Recently I met two incredible men who asked me to flog and single tail them. Each of them had been through their own process to prepare them for he synchronous moment that brought us together. I was privileged and honored to be a part of the transformative erotic experience we shared. We have stayed connected and had long conversations about our experiences. I became aware of what it is like for some new guy to finally find his way to the fulfillment of a long held fantasy. I began to reflect on the role of community in creating transformative erotic experiences. I believe that male energy is very powerful but is also very fragile. When a group of men comes together in the right way, it creates sacred male space and magic happens. With some notable exceptions, many of the gatherings I had found most powerful were not produced by the organizations in our community but by individuals or small groups. They were limited to select invitees and not open to the public. They did not advertise or do “out-reach”. In many ways of leather organizations stop promoting sexy fun activities where we could play and became the equivalent of the Rotary or the Elks. This point was driven home one night when a “community fund raising event” was scheduled the same night as a group gathering in the outdoors to actually DO the things that create community. In thinking about this, I realized that our community has abdicated leadership to the “educators”. These are the folks who run workshops, teach seminars, and lead conferences. We have traded those “transformative erotic experiences” for didactic presentations and “demos”. I believe that some of the “educators” are working from an unconscious dynamic of fear and envy. These are folks who were never any fun in the first place and are working to suck the fun out of anything somebody else might do. They “educate” because it gives them a platform to hear their own voices. For many of them, there are no other venues in which their opinions or even their voices are wanted. The idea of actual sexual energy intimidates them. Ask yourself, when was the last lecture or demo that gave you a hardon?....AND….If it did, what were you “allowed” to do with it? How does this happen? I think we as a community are SO hyper-sensitive to rejection that we have abdicated our role as gate keepers. Can we admit that NOT everyone should be welcomed to our community? Let’s face it…what we do is NOT safe, NOT sane, and NOT consensual if it is being done by people with limited insight, personality problems, deficient intellect, or mental illness. Many of these folks are drawn to our community because we are welcoming and friendly. They hand around for a while and we think there is no harm in letting them do things to “help out”. Gradually, they take on more and more responsibility. We accept the drama they bring with them because they are “good guys”. We elect them to be the presidents of our community organizations because it is “their turn”. For a while, their impact in minimal, but it is cumulative. Eventually they will drive the people we REALLY want to be there away. The good guys will get frustrated and leave while the rest of the organization is trying to deal with the crazy drama created by what my friends have termed the “broken wing club”. Recently I overheard a conversation between a friend and another guy asking to borrow the pictures the guy had taken at a large event. The request was telling. “Can we borrow some of the pictures because so-and-so is the photographer for (one of the leather publications) and doesn’t have a camera”? Huh??? Meet the poster child for the broken wing club. When we stop requiring that people meet even minimum standards for the tasks they are assigned, it reveals how low we are willing to go to “be nice”. It seems that the same thing is true for many of our “educators”. These folks are often not very skilled in their presentations or events that they organize. For new people it is important to note that if you attend these educational events, in most cases, you will NOT have the experience you want, you will just hear about it, or maybe see a demonstration of someone else having it. If you actually get to participate, it will watered down and devoid of any erotic energy. It will be in a venue conducive to lectures or meeting but not very erotic. You may get to see a Power Point presentation but you wont be able to play. You will be disappointed. It reminds me of the “sex education” portion of Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. We have allowed these castrated educators to completely de-eroticize what is meant to be hot, sexy, and edgy. How many times have we seen powerful, playful, erotic energy destroyed by the rule bound eunuchs who claim that there is a “right” way to do things? I believe we are at a crossroads. We will continue to see the demos, the workshops, and the conferences because there will always be people willing to participate at that level. But gradually, I hope that the true process of mentoring will start to emerge. I hope that we will see more activities that allow for spontaneous exchanges between men with skills and men who want to experience those skills in a way that will be intimate and connected. We will play in public and those who are interested will approach those who can satisfy that interest. It means that we have to take personal responsibility and cannot abdicate it to the “educators”. I hope the demos done in front of large spectator groups will be recognized for what they are…they are entertainment. It is to BDSM what a strip show is to sex. It is pandering. It is freak-show. The good old days went being a member of a club or organization meant you had skills and credibility are gone. Just look around. But the good news is that there is a fresh wind blowing. Those clubs and organizations that are based in “education’ will be hard pressed to exist in a world where new people can connect and experience the real thing. I learned from my two new friends that they have no interest in being “educated” about BDSM they want to EXPERIENCE IT.

We were sitting in a restaurant and he reached across the table for the salt. His long sleeve moved up and I saw the scars. I knew his journey had been a difficult one. When you are the gay son of prominent mormons, you struggle. His struggle had included shop-lifting an exacto knife and hiding behind the trash dumpsters slicing his arms. An older woman trying to throw her trash away discovered him in a pool of blood and called for help. He survived, but the scars never went away. He formed deep thick keloids that would not even fade with plastic surgery. But the real scars were the ones you couldn’t see. Drugs and alcohol would control most of his adult life. He spent years locked in a battle with meth-amphetamine. He would loose years of his life in the battle. Lately he said that he had won over alcohol but he relied on daily antabuse administered by his brother to stay sober. Nothing was ever as it seemed. He left one day saying he had to get sober. He went to his parents cabin in Park City. He wrote a letter before he left. He was sorry. He had lied. All he was doing was drinking. He had stolen money….lots of money. But don’t worry. He would be back. He did come back. Just once. His parents paid to send him back to LA and rent a U-haul. He cleaned out the house while I was at work. I came home to food all over the kitchen because he took the refrigerator. He took the furniture but in a random confusing pattern leaving and taking whatever he could throw into the U-Haul as fast as he could. He left chaos in many ways. It took years to repair the damage he did. We didn’t talk after that. He hurt too many people. I spent a long time healing. Then he contacted me on Facebook. He said he knew I might not want to talk to him but he was hoping. I called. It was obvious things were not good. He was living in a place provided by his parents in Utah. They were back in charge. He was having lots of health problems. He called a few days ago and when I called back he was slurring and confused. The next day he called to say he had taken his sleeping pills to explain it. Saturday morning his brother called to tell me he was dead. He had died of a seizure. It was Pride weekend. I am on the board of directors and had to deal with all that involves. But thoughts crossed my mind. I remember coming to Pride with him and how his drinking caused problems. I remember him volunteering and getting lost to go drink. But I also remembered the good times. The parts of him that had kept us together for almost 5 years were not forgotten, they were just covered over. His funeral is happening right now. This is my way of mourning. I found a picture of us hugging with our dogs, looking over the California coast. I realized it was my daughter who had taken the picture. He hurt her more than most. My kids paid a huge price for his being in my life. It is why I severed contact. But it did not change the memories of what had been the good parts. We loved each other. We had both traveled the mormon highway doing as we had been told. Went on missions. Got married. I was set free by people who loved me more than they loved the mormon church. He was tortured by people who loved the church more than they loved him. But we found each other and for a while we were partners, we were family, we were in love. We had wild crazy sex and we laughed… A LOT. His self hatred was fueled by alcohol and he killed off the laughter and eventually the love. But for a time we were deeply passionately in love with each other. I had thought to let this pass. Until I read his obituary. It was cleaned and sanitized and a pack of lies. His father is an author of fiction and the skill seems to have been put to good use to disguise and deny any semblance of truth. Who he was is lost. Both the good and the bad….though there is so much they find bad even they are hard pressed to find ways to tell the story. They retold stories I had heard when we were together. His life has been frozen in time. All that time wasted. An obituary for a man who stopped growing a long time ago….a life lost. His being gay is not even mentioned. His ex-wife of less than a year is mentioned. None of his gay partners are. His “triumph” over drugs and alcohol is noted, their contribution to the problem is not. The damage it did is not mentioned. His hatred of mormonism is hidden beneath lies about his being a missionary. Too bad they haven’t read his missionary journal. Well they can’t because he left it here. He had to return to that in the end. He lived and died in lies. I guess his scars will finally fade. Mine have been opened a little with his passing. I question my own lack of wisdom but remember it was a LONG time ago. I cringe to think of his dying alone. I can imagine him having his last seizure and knowing it was over and I have to admit, I wish I was there to say good bye and tell him to not to be afraid. To tell him that I had loved him...once...a long time ago, and that it was okay for him to go this time. To try to take away his fear. I guess that is the final message. It was fear that drove all the madness. Fear that his parents would never love him and that he couldn’t live without that. Fear that he was never good enough. He found release from the fear when he drank and was then afraid he would be found out. But I remember the times he made me laugh and the times he made me so hard I thought I would explode…and the times I did. I remember the times he would surprise me. He tried SO hard. He hated things about himself that no one should hate. Some of them were the very things that made me love him. I remember when we would be together naked and the scars would all be visible. I loved that he trusted me with his scars. I thought he had paid a price for both of us. In a way, I thought he had paid a price that I had been spared. I realize now the price was greater than I ever imagined and can’t ever be paid.

Sorry you didn't get the memo.

This is the content of a Newsletter we wrote for Erotic City. Too bad the style is lost in this post 'cuz it looked pretty cool. Someone who was not invited to participate and who did "not get the memo" is "talkin' trash" about his not being able to indulge his narcissistic desire to do what he wanted to do. Sadly, the entire conversation is happening is a world of which I know very little. Fet Life is NOT something I follow, but a friend alerted me to the drama. So...for what it is worth.If you want a pdf with all the cool format stuff email me.


June 10,11,12 2011
EROTIC CITY
Passionate public play with a purpose.
EROTIC CITY
We’re Doing it Again
Okay Leather folks it is time for us to celebrate our Pride and play for a purpose.
We invite Pride attendees to enter a sensual circus and share the darkly erotic world of the leather community We invite them to experience what they may only imagine.
The goal of this year’s Erotic CIty is to take cube but it will not be long before their attention
the next step. Long gone are the “demos” and “presentations”. NO ONE uses a microphone to tell people what they are watching. We no longer lecture people about activities they are striving to experience. The walls between those who produce the event and those who come to see it have come down.
If you have been invited to participate in Erotic City we are asking you to participate in a whole new way. You are invited to think of whatever it is that you find arousing and think of how you might share that.
As people enter the tent we want them to be overwhelmed. The music will capture and engage them as they move from the familiar to the world we have created. As though they were entering a sensual circus they will see a variety of activities all happening at the same time. They may first be drawn to the rubber vacuum
is drawn to the corner stage on which Avatar Club Los Angeles will be re-creating the hot scenes from their Axiom booklet. Maybe the smell of shaving cream will catch their attention as a hot shaving scene seems to spontaneously begin. Impact play is always a big draw and we expect there to be plenty of opportunities for MEN to play with each other and for WOMEN to do the same.
The tent will be hot and crowded and the participants will be surrounded by a kinky homoerotic environment that stimulate their senses.
If you are interested, please read on for some instructions about how to participate in this year’s Erotic City. Remember the goal is to take the NEXT STEP and make this year even better than those before.
This really SUCKS
Thanks to the guys from Hollywood House, the vacuum cube is a huge draw...too bad you have to get naked to play.
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EROTIC CITY
We’re doing it better
Erotic City has a great reputation. Rather than rest on our laurels, this year we are going to kick it up a notch and do things even better than we have done before. While some activities will be familiar, some will be new and exciting. It is up to you. Don’t miss out on this year’s Erotic City.
The goal is not so much to teach as it is to INVITE....not so much to show but to SHARE.
The chairs are gone and so are the microphones. We no longer do “demos” while our guests sit and watch. Erotic City is not a teaching-learning experience but rather an introduction that we hope will eventually lead to that teaching learning opportunity.
Rather than demonstrations and lectures, we invite you to play surrounded by those who may not be as familiar with the things we do. The hope is that what you do will be erotic, sensual, and INTERESTING. You will need to feel the energy of the crowd around you. As their interest begins to shift, you must adapt. You may choose to make yourself available to talk to the folks who have been watching you. IF APPROPRIATE you may help them experience what they have been watching. You are the link in the next important step of the process. The play in Erotic City is designed to encourage them to seek the further information they might need to be able to explore their interests. You are an ambassador for that process. Rather than lecturing to crowds as they sit in chairs, your
goal is to interact with the people who are interested and seek you out. Your goal is to find those people and interact with them in smaller more intimate groups. You may want to give them information about one of the events or activities of the LALC. You might want to invite them to a club meeting. This is the moment when you can establish a person relationship and make that PRIDE participant feel WELCOME!!!
Everything from the folks who welcome participants through the gates to the interactions in the tent are intended to be fun and positive. NO MORE “You can’t drink in here”. It has been replaced with a positive message that “we invite you to enjoy your drink before you come into the tent”. NO MORE “you have to be 21” but “hey...ya gotta wait till you are 21 and we promise it will be worth it”.
This is PRIDE....it is supposed to be fun. This is LGBT PRIDE. Scenes in Erotic City should reflect that. While we understand the nature of BDSM, it may be tougher for those not so familiar to understand, especially if the players reflect the heteronormative power dynamics.
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Some simple guidelines
As you consider what you want to do in Erotic City, you might want to take a couple of things into account:
SAFETY: The tent is crowded and it IS a tent. That means that 20 foot bullwhips are a little hard to swing safely and that fire play will make the Fire Marshall piss his pants. So you might want to consider the environment in which you are playing. Does that mean you can’t do something?...NOT necessarily. It just means you better be smart. If you really need help with this ask.
AUDIENCE: This is PRIDE. Straight guys flogging women may not be the best scene for our audience. Besides we really want the people playing to interact with the audience...not piss them off.
DONT LOSE THE LIQUOR LICENSE!! If you are not aware of recent community events, I suggest you might want to find out what has happened. The ABC does NOT allow nudity in places that are serving alcohol. CSW has a liquor license for the entire festival. Fuck with that and I guarantee you will go down in history.
THE SHERIFFS ARE OUR FRIENDS Make sure they have water and make sure they have no reason to bust you.
HAVE FUN If you are not having fun, please go home. Hey sometimes it just happens. We all have an off day. The goal is for you to GET more than you GIVE. If that is not working, lets try to fix it.
INSTRUCTIONS
You will need to let us know that you plan to participate. We ask that if you intend to volunteer that you do so for at least 4 hours if you want to skip the entrance fee. During your volunteer shift you might be playing or you might be hosting. Let us know when you would like to participate by emailing EroticCity2011@gmail.com. In your email include a few ideas of what you would like to do in Erotic City.
Impact play is aways fun and popular, can you think of something to kick it up a notch? Is there something you would like to do we haven’t done before? Remember you want to interest your audience. Do it differently. Watching somebody get tied up is like watching flies
mate...it is interesting for about a second. How could you do it differently so that it will be the talk of the event?
The PARADE
If you are planning to be part of the leather contingent during the parade, you are probably planning to come to Erotic City afterwards, This will be a prime time for shifts. If you are not on the volunteer list BEFORE the event, it is almost impossible to add you to it during the event. Remember that the only people who can authorize your entrance as a volunteer will be up to their butts in all kinds of stuff when you try to get them on their cell phones to add you to the list. In other words, it probably ain’t gonna happen.
Send an email to EroticCity2011@gmail.com and let us get you on the damn list.
MR CSW LEATHER
This year the Mr. CSW Leather Contest will take place Saturday Evening in Erotic City. The interviews and challenge will begin earlier in the day. Rather than have a Meet and Greet, the contestants will be invited to participate in some of the Celebrity and VIP events during the PRIDE month.
Those interested in competing in the Mr. CSW contest should talk to Louie Pacheco as early as possible. This will make sure that they get their invitations to the Mayor’s reception and other events to which they will be invited.
Mr CSW Leather 2012 will compete in the LAL contest next year. He will be the first of that title class and will serve his title year before he competes in LAL.
PICTURE IT.....
Somewhere in the crowd is that guy who is desperate to try the kinds of things we may take for granted. He might want to piss on his boyfriend but is too embarrassed to ask. Maybe he wants his boyfriend to tie him up but can’t imagine how to start the conversation. What about the woman who dreams of her partner slipping needles into her skin before they have sex but is sure she is the only one to ever think about it. OUR JOB is to invite people to begin their personal journey. Erotic City may be their first step in that process. We want people to feel like honored guests in our demented kinky little world from the moment that enter our area to when they reluctantly have to leave. We want them to understand that this is an introduction and that if they are interested they may be invited to join our community in other events and activities that are more extensive and perhaps challenging. This is but a taste of what the leather community has to offer...and we are inviting them to sample it.
EVERY interaction must be consistent with our values. We will not YELL at our guests. We will not tell them what to do. Rather we will powerfully and politely invite them into our world and guide them as we enjoy their company. We really want them to feel welcome and to feel as though there is MORE if they are invited to return. We want them to strive for that invitation. You might invite that guy with questions to join you for coffee, or to come to a club meeting. The woman dreaming of needles may be introduced to somebody who can answer her questions. You are an ambassador in search of those who are ready to begin the dark erotic journey.
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DOING IT DIFFERENTLY
Nothing will overwhelm past success faster than doing the same thing over again....
Erotic City provides us with an opportunity to build on success and explore new and creative ideas. Those ideas can be new activities in the Erotic City tent, new vendors, or perhaps more importantly...new ways for us to”do business”.
Are we using new and creative ideas to get the job done? How is it that we are the people who have figured out how to turn medical devices into devious erotic toys and we still conduct committee meetings like we were the damn Presbyterians? We spend hours on Recon but can’t figure out how to use our computers to save a trip to WeHo for another meeting to play our activities in Erotic City?
We use Roberts Rules of Order like we were the freakin’ Rotary and forget that we are the same people who were playing with each other in a dark wear-house last weekend. One of the dangers of this bizarre assimilationism is that we infect our world with the standards and traditions of the hegemonic heterosexual culture from which PRIDE is our best respite and refuge.
No MORE DAMN COMMITTEE MEETINGS
We have been doing this long enough that we can do it differently. We don’t need to meet face to face when we can meet electronically. Email is for all intents and purposes a VERY slow committee meeting. Since only one person can speak at a time, it is a like slow motion conversation. Each email represents a different
The Next Step....
If you are interested in joining us this year, please send us an email at eroticcity2011@gmail.com and let us know what you woud like to do. Remember while somethings are always popular, this is a chance to do it differently than you might have before. Let your nasty mind wander and share it with us.....
person making their point. This year we are going to skip the meetings and get the job done. Small work groups may need to get together but they can report electronically to the rest. We may experiment with electronic
meeting software if needed. If we are having more meetings than we are playing...we are doing it WRONG!!!
Attitude
One of the worst impacts of doing things the same old way is that it sucks the erotic energy out of what we are doing. There is nothing sexy about an agenda or minutes. That lack of erotic energy filters down into the event itself. We start imposing silly rules on our guests. Rather than acting like sexual outlaws we suck the fun out of everything with lectures and demos.
“You can’t drink in here”...IS THAT REALLY HOW WE WANT TO TALK TO OUR GUESTS??? Come on people...we have all heard it. Volunteers who just don’t get it and act like the ushers at a crappy theatre run by mormons. Rather than thinking of ourselves as ambassadors, we start acting like RentaCops No matter how cool your little plastic security officer badge is...the other kids are still laughing at you.
All kinds of things to do....
• Play in Public • Ambassdors to our honored guests • Hang out in the Cigar Lounge and share
your erotic energy • Bootblack • Massage • Sensual Actvities • Art Show
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Having this much fun...HURTS!
Beginning the Journey
We represent a powerful and important element of the GLBT community. When we abdicate our power and act in ways that are inconsistent with our values we do damage.That guy who FINALLY found a place he thought he could take the next step in his journey is turned off and turned away when some body sitting at the gate is NOT behaving as an appropriate representative of our community.
Our job is to make our guests feel valued and welcome. If this is the beginning of their journey how can we help them?
What could be more fun and rewarding than to look back in a few years and remember being there when somebody’s journey began? If you are ready to be a part of that process, volunteering in Erotic City is for you.
EROTIC CITY
June 10,11,12 2011
eroticcity2011@gmail.com

Leather at the Piggly Wiggly

A while back at the Leather Leadership Conference in Detroit, I attended a meeting in which the topic of discussion was basically outreach from the kinky community to the straight community. The presenters described how they had managed to package their material in such a way that typical straight people would be more likely to feel comfortable with the topic of non-vanilla sex. At one point, one of the presenters commented that she would not wear her leather to the Piggly Wiggly, as that would be inappropriate. It was at that point that I began to realize that I was not like many of the people in the room. I WOULD wear leather to the Piggly Wiggly and I really didn’t give a damn WHAT the straight majority thought about it.
One of the discussants pointed out that their goal was to convince the straight world that “we are just like them”. Of course, it was at that point, that my decision to shut the fuck up and just let them pontificate fell by the wayside and I shouted out that I was NOT like them!!!

I am an anarchist. I believe that it was the Stonewall RIOT that caused our world to change and started the modern gay rights movement not the Mattichine assimilationists trying to look like mormon missionary/accountants who just happen to suck cock.

At the LLC meeting mentioned above, I realized that I think of leather as something that permeates almost every aspect of my life. Most of my friends look like leathermen no matter what they are doing or what they are wearing. In fact they stand out as leathermen even when they are naked. It might be all the piercings and tattoos or the flogging and whipping marks, but it might just be the way they carry themselves. For the non-gay kinky people, leather was lingerie. It was a costume they put on to fluff up their sex life. That helped explain to me why so many of them were wearing that cheap Kookie Leather crap made in Pakistan. If leather is just a costume, you are not going shopping at Mr. S, 665, or Rough Trade.

When the ole gal mentioned that she would not go to Piggly Wiggle in leather, my first thought was I WOULD!! I even know who I would take with me. I would go with the monkey of course but I would also take Tommy T and the Gnome. I know they would go with me because they already have. For the Gnome’s birthday we did another Leather Invasion of the Getty Museum. We go the Getty but we go in leather. Why?....Well because we are leathermen and that is what we do. We are not trying to build bridges, We are trying to push the limits a little. It is fun.

There are three basic reactions we get. One is the giggly, finger pointy, “those guys are weird reaction”. Yesterday I got that from a group of Japanese ministers. Well they were wearing clerical collars and were horribly judgmental. They HAD to be ministers. They actually pointed and said things in Japanese while laughing. That reaction is more common among young school children but age and maturity are not always synonymous.

Two….two is the “HEY YOU….can I take my picture with you? Or…HEY YOU…you guys look hot. This reaction is one of my favorites and often allows us to tell somebody about our community or about an upcoming activity they might consider. For some reason it is usually from “fierce” black ladies. They are usually dressed to the 9’s and have really high heels and lots and lots of attitude. They are cool.

Three…well three is my favorite. Three is the “stare and smile” reaction. It is usually from youngish guys. Sometimes they are really young and I think we are just a reminder to that kid that if he just hangs on through all the crap in high school, he can be himself when he is a little older cause obviously we did. The other is a 20 something guy who is just becoming aware that he is wired a little differently than everybody expects him to be. He can tell that we are the guys who like to tie each other up, He can tell that we are the guys who think that water sports do not involve a swimming pool. If we smile at him he might blush and walk away, but at the Getty he will usually sidle up next to us as we are looking at something so that he can overhear us bantering with each other. The key to this is that we are having a hell of a good time. We are having more fun than all the other people together. We are affectionate toward each other and don’t give a flying fuck if it bothers somebody. We are VERY polite. We hold doors for little old ladies and offer them an umbrella if it is raining. We have deep discussions about the art and we laugh and enjoy each other’s company.

IF you saw us at the Piggly Wiggly you would know that we are DIFFERENT. Different in a way that makes us really happy. Different in a way that makes some people uncomfortable or even mad. We have been through the coming out process and know that it may have a price but being in the closet costs a lot more. A lot of the people use scene names. They are afraid to use their real names. They might lose their jobs or their friends. They might get kicked out of their nice little church. They talk about how rough kinky divorces have been when “slave stinky” decides to fuck over “Master Nutball” and shares the intimate aspects of their relationship in court in order to embarrass the hell out of her master and get bigger alimony. We understand that there are a lot of people who think that pissing all over daddy in a play scene automatically disqualifies you as a loving parent. BUT we have learned that unless you fight, such small mindedness can control your life. We have lost our families and our jobs because straight people have taken them from us. If the straight vanilla people have an issue with straight kinky people, we can tell them what they should do from our experience. Been there done that…got the t-shirt.

Several months ago, a group of us were invited to an Imperial Court function. As I sat in the audience trying to understand both the purpose and the protocol of what I was watching, I realized that I was seeing the horrifying potential future of the leather contest community. Not the leather community per se, but that small part of it that is engaged in the leather contest system. There were several things about that evening that have continued to percolate in my mind and I thought now was a good time to share some of those thoughts.

The Imperial Court system raises huge amounts of money for a variety of good causes. They have a rich history and I am sure that the people involved in it have a wonderful time. I have met a number of the notable folks in the Imperial Court and find them to be very nice people. But as I sat there that evening, I realized I had NO interest in their “world”. I was not interested in the glamour of exaggerated femininity crusted in rhinestones and pretending to be empress such and such. I have enough problems with the idea that some people use scene names to be very comfortable with Empress triple extra large of the royal house of Muleface and her entourage of minions. It was not my gig.

As I stood in the wings waiting to be presented to the folks who were “stepping down” I realized that there was a LOT of protocol to learn. Walk this way, present yourself, take the empress by the hand, accept a small token of their appreciation, and for gawd’s sake don’t look at how her wig is starting to slip or the ugly mole peeking through the five o’clock on her chin. The person telling me all this crap reminded me of some of the folks around the leather contest system who seem to have popped up lately and consider themselves experts.

These so called experts speak as though there were definite right and wrong ways to approach the leather contest experience. They are the ones who tell titleholders
that you CAN’T do something or MUST do something as though there is some kind of rulebook for this shit. These rules seem to run the gamut from when you should and should not wear your medal or title vest to aspects of a titleholder’s personal life such as whom they should or should not fuck. The idea that you might have a great time and have sex at MAL has become “you have to go if you expect to do well at IML.”

In recent years the number of “mock interviews” has increased with plague like proportions. Each titleholder is being given enough expert advice that we are in danger of creating manufactured clones of what each so-called expert thinks a titleholder should be. No longer are contestants just given suggestions about how they might best present themselves, they are now being given the “right” answers they should give to potential interview questions. The questions often take on the appearance of “Leather Jeopardy”….”who was IMsL 1999”?. What is the hanky code for plushies? Who invented leather? Who is your county council representative? Well who the fuck cares? These are not questions designed to get to know a contestant. These are questions designed to impress upon the potential contestant that they better know arcane bits of leather minutia or they just won’t do very well. If contests are selecting these people to be judges we better take a serious look at ourselves and potential titleholders would do well to tell them to piss off.

The leather contest system grew out of the leather community. It is essential to remember that. Over the last couple of years, the leather contest system has become an entity unto itself. We all know guys who are ONLY involved in contests and have only minimal connection to the leather community in the greater sense. That’s fine. For some titleholders their contest serves as an introduction to the community. While a contest plays around with the erotic energy at the core of leather life, it is only an illusion of the deeper more meaningful experiences that can be possible. It has become more and more common for new titleholders to be introduced to kinky sex during their title year than it is to select kinky guys to represent a title. When titleholders are being coached to avoid erotic expression because it would demean their title, this whole thing has become absurd. How do you represent a community that is defined by its sexual expression by castrating yourself and becoming a eunuch in a title vest?

In reality most aspects of the origin of the contest system are cloudy and unclear…and also unimportant. Currently, it is clear that contests provide an opportunity for brotherhood, service, and a lot of other desirable side effects. Those of us privileged to produce contests can share moments that made us laugh and moments that were deeply meaningful. None of those moments were the result of coaching.

I hate to think that we are going to turn this whole thing over to the “stylists” who think that what matters most is who makes your leather “outfit” and insist that this whole thing is all about image. Especially when that image is an idiosyncratic vision of what being a leather titleholder should be. If we do, we will have become the Imperial Court of Leather. We will have rules about how you should address the royal titleholders and what “costume” is appropriate for which state function. There will be more contests, more raffles, more fund raisers, and little by little there will be less and less erotic energy. Eventually, what once made the whole thing so much fun will be lost.

I understand the idea that anybody who stands on a stage wants to do his best. BUT lets try to focus on the idea that it should be HIS best and not what some so-called expert thinks is a universal best. Oh sure…all boots should be shined, leather should fit, and it is never a good idea to say something that pisses off the crowd. In a perfect world a lot more of us would look like Tom of Finland drawings but we don’t.

At the core of all this, if your dick is hard, that is a pretty good indicator that you are on the right track. The idea that there are rules to govern a community of outlaws seems pretty absurd. Good advise is always welcome. Mentoring is an essential part of our community. BUT let’s celebrate the wonderful individuality that each titleholder brings to this process and support him rather than try to change him into some ball-less beauty contest clone. We may not agree with each decision but let us at least respect the men who make them. Because they are acting like men…like LEATHERMEN.

Never let them take your picture with a drink in your hand...

So...some where some body started telling leather title holders that they should not let themselves be photographed with "a drink in their hands". While the absurdity of this seems pretty straight forward. I mean quite a few titles are sponsored by BARS...what do they think men drink in a bar...TEA? Actually, I suggested that all the title holders should start carrying tea cups and saucers and only folks in the know would know that they were full of cheap scotch.

BUT as usuall, my weird little mind starts to explore the "other" issues this brings up. Why would it possibly be important that a person NOT be photographed with a drink in their hands or hiding any other perfectly legal and normal behavior. There is usully a reason people try to manage and manipulate an image. FDR always hid his leg braces because the Nazi's would have won World War II if they had known he had polio. And Bill Clinton hid his cigar smoking because we would have known he was sticking it in Monica's cooch if we had seen a picture of him smoking. But unless you are the president of the united states and trying to hide something why is it important to hide the truth about the kind of things we do? Well, because somebody with a stick up their butt, thinks that some of the things we do are just not all that acceptable and they want to manage the image.

Rather than allowing each title holder to determine how they would take up that role, people begin to tell them what they have to do to move up the next rung on the ladder and what is the "correct" way to do things. Can't we just remember that this was supposed to be fun and that fun is hard to "manage"? Can't we just let guys do what guys do in dark corners of a bar when they are hot and sexy? No...we have to tell them to never do anything that might make their title look bad.I think it might be better to pick the kind of guy who has sufficient power to tell these image manipulators to fuck off. 'If we select the kind of guys who accept being manipulated, I got news for ya... that is the best way to turn this whole thing into the march of the eunuchs.

Oil and Water, ponies and perverts

A recent conversation regarding a "fetish group's" participation in a "leather event" has caused me to do some serious thinking about group boundaries. How do we define who we are?

Recent interactions with assimilationist bullshit reminds me how important those group boundaries can be. There are plenty of people who want us to give up our unique identity and pretend that we are "almost" "just like everybody else". They often fly the flag of "normal". In other words, if we give up our identity as a GLBT community, we can join all the other mainstreamed outliers and make some kind of progress. This argument didn't work before Stonewall, why do they think it will work now?

So how do we define who is IN the leather community and who is NOT. The first step seems to be to accept that there will be some kind of boundary. Every time a title holder talks about "building bridges", he is really suggesting that we minimize the role that those boundaries play. A good friend has pointed out that when you walk into a leather bar in gear and get attitude by a bunch of guys in chinos and polo shirts it is the result of "building bridges".

That is not to say that there aren't times when groups interact and enjoy each other's company. But I do think that there is a danger when we try to form chimeric events and organizations that try to meet every body's needs. This issue comes up every time we discuss all men's or all women's events. As a community welcoming of a non-dichotomous version of gender identity, this is even more difficult. But despite that difficulty, we often draw a boundary of some sorts especially at "play" events. Sometimes that boundary works and sometimes it does not.

In a recent email conversation, it was pointed out to me that a person whose primary identity (at least to me) was someone involved in "pony play". (for info http://www.maximumawesome.com/pervfriday/ponypeople.htm) When I suggested that an event was primarily a leather event, she was quick to point out that she identified as a member of the leather community. It caused me to think about how we define the concept of "leather community" and what are the boundaries of that community. I believe that it is at the boundaries were our unconscious comes out to play. Patient's in therapy often discover that they become much more aware of unconscious issues as they approach a "time boundary" at the end of a session, etc. So I am trying to discover what is percolating around in my head about this issue.

FOR ME (your milage may vary) LEATHER has usually meant gay men who are kinky and into leather. Fetish has usually mean kinky people who may or may not be gay, or men, or into leather. Okay that is pretty simple. BUT WAIT....what about people who are into latex, rubber, or sport's gear. A trip to RECON will quickly make it obvious that there is both overlap and exclusivity. The boudaries seem to be more fluid than one might expect. The Los Angeles LEATHER Coalition is made up of groups and organizations that include all kinds of kinky folk, many of them pansexual or mostly female in their membership. WHAT THE HELL??? It is an issue with which we have to deal everytime a group wants to join the coalition. It is not always easy.

There is a saying that you never criticize another man's fetish...(until he walks away and then you talk shit about him behind his back). I worry that "Pony Play" is not my cup of tea and that I can't understand how it would contribute to a gay men's leather event just because it doesn't float my boat. That is why I went to a lot of other people, whose opinions I trust, and asked them to make sure that I was not missing something. UNIVERSALLY, they had little enthusiasm for including the pony people. Maybe it was a function of selection bias. But I have to admit that there was a resounding lack of interest.

THEN I remembered, something. Years and years ago, I was in at the Gauntlet II and it was somebody's birthday. People were giving the birthday boy a few swats on the ass when somebody brought out a paddle. (gee a random paddling in a leather bar). At one point somebody pointed at a good friend of mine and suggested, "hey let's paddle him". With great dignity and grace, he looked the guy in the eye and simple said "Not my scene". It has always stayed with me as an interesting way to handle such situations. In the enthusiasm of play I have sometimes used it myself. I realized that when it comes to Pony Play....NOT MY SCENE. AND it seems it is not a scene that very many of the leather folks seem to share.

SO I guess MY boundary does NOT include the pony people. I have issues with people who do not use their real names in the "leather community". It seems much more common in the het community for people to call each other "Master Something" or "Mistress Something". It is a rich and honorable tradition...in their community. BUT in the gay community it smacks of being shame based and in the closet. People who call themselves by the names of animals are even further out on a branch most gay folks trimmed off the tree on their way to self acceptance.

Now having said all that....what about puppy play? HELL they even have puppy events at IML. Well he truth is...I DON"T GET IT. Oh sure, some hot guy with a rubber tail in his ass sniffing some OTHER hot guy. What's not to get? Some guy rolling around on the floor sniffing another guys butt...Seems pretty straight forward. "I don't ever have sex with my master when I am in puppy head space"...Are you nuts? See...not my scene.

I have heard people negotiate a scene in which they spoke about "hard limits" and "soft limits". You know "I don't really like to wear a blindfold but I will" versus "If you cover my eyes there will be chaos". MAYBE the issue is one of a hard boundary. If I think of it like that, the issue is a little easier to negotiate. It is a function of individuality. Communities need to have that same kind of individuality.

It is late and I have no idea how this will resolve. It is way too long now but I guess there will be more. OH.....btw....my FAVORITE play has always been Equus...go figure....

Joke Religion

I joined a joke religion. Not the usually "a priest and a rabbi walked into a bar" kinda joke religion. I joined one of the one word punch line religions. "What are ya a mormon?" Badumpbump. I'm here all week...tip your waiters.

I have said before that when some little kid tells you he saw god in the bushes you DON'T give him 10% of you income...you give him Haldol. Mormonism is wacky. It is seriously bizarre. Oh I know they want you to focus on those nice kids in white shirts but face it...they brought polygamy to America. Oh I know they claim they don't do it anymore. But do you see new age Aztecs trying to convert people to their cult and telling them: "Hey we really don't like to focus on the human sacrifice...we stopped doing that a while back"? So let's just admit this is a rather bizarre bunch of folks.

BUT....the true level of crazy is really not revealed until you start hanging with the exmormons. When I left mormonism, the exmo world was a big help. There were people who had researched the wacky church history and were very knowledgeable. They shared some of their research and understanding and it really helped me question things that I had always just assumed I knew. The history you learn in church is pretty inaccurate. They leave out things like Joseph Smith having more than 30 wives and that some of them were already happily married to other guys while others were as young as 13. It was pretty fucked up....and who knew?

So the exmo world was helpful...AT FIRST. After a while you begin to realize it is a hang out for bipolars and borderlines. I mean these people are NUTS. I have gone on the site from time to time just for curiosity. But now it is just too painful to have to read the ramblings of these weak minded dolts. They pose idiotic false dichotomies like "would you rather your kid was "unclean" and had sex out of marriage or was dead?" They tell the same fucking story over and over of how miserable they are because they hate the church but they can't leave 'cuz great gramps crossed the plains in a wagon and the family will be destroyed if they leave.They stay married to people who hate them or continue to hope that the mormon church will start treating gays right. They ask for which book, passage of scripture, magazine article, website, or god knows what they can show their family, friend, bishop that will make them leave the church. They are nuts.

I seriously believe part of why it is so hard to recover...is that you have to admit you were a moron to believe in the first place. So instead of just taking your lumps and moving on, you have to convince everybody, including yourself, that you were a victim and that the joke religion can control your life. Sure it can if you let it. But there was always the option to just leave it. Take a look and you will see that these ex-mo folks have done just exactly that.

Some of my friends used to go to El Coyote. There was an email about one of the owners having donated to the Yes on 8 campaign. I responded to the email..........

I was unaware that there was a mail group for those of us who have downed a few too many margaritas at El Coyote. BUT....since I was included I figured where better to pontificate.

I have no interest in gay marriage. I think state involvement in people's lives ought to be kept to a minimum. I think we ought to get rid of marriage all together, replace it with domestic partnership for EVERYBODY and let people add what ever religious mumbo-jumbo to the process that they like. You could register your relationship at the county courthouse in the morning and have your wiccan high-priestess spilling candle wax all over the Berber carpet by lunch time. I think everybody ought to be entitled to all FEDERAL and state marriage benefits no matter what their relationship might be. Yeah if some guy wants to marry his toaster we will just deal with that on an individual basis....by putting a butterfly net over him and upping his Haldol.

AS for the current protests (and boycott of El Coyote)....well that seems to be a slightly different matter. The mormon church, based in Utah, sent letters to their congregants and suggested how they should vote and how they should spend their money. It is a violation of their 501 c 3 status. Additionally, they used the money to lie. They sponsored adds that were deceptive and homophobic. I think that there are more than 5% of the people who voted Yes on 8 who would have voted differently if we had pulled back the sheet of secrecy and revealed the involvement of the mormons in our polititcal process. I think more than 5% would say that they were duped and that they would have changed their minds. So....while I don't give two hoots about gay marriage, I DO care about the way the mormon church subverted our political process. They did it before with Prop 22 and they did it again and they will continue UNTIL we raise holy fucking hell about it.

I think the protest marches are great. I am the one who keeps reminding my fellow CSW board members that we have turned the march into a parade. We celebrate a riot that changed the landscape for human rights in the whole world and it is time we chanelled that energy again. BUT having said that....I think we are marching in the wrong place. Rather than blocking traffic on Santa Monica Blvd. I think we need to block the driveway that leads into the LA Mormon Temple. Block it on Saturdays so that all those sweet little mormon brides won't be able to get in to the temple to get married. Let them cry how we have ruined their marriage plans. Let them moan when they won't be able to learn the secret handshakes to get into heaven and have to postpone the reception being held that afternoon on the basketball court at the church. AND best of all.....let the potential husband have to wait to finally FINALLY have sex for the first time. Let the irony of the whole situation that THEY can't get married drip all over the place.

Mormons believe that men will have multiple wives in eternity, they believe that people of color were not valient as spirits, and those who were not born in the church are not as good as those who were. They believe that they are the ONLY true church on the earth and that baptisms and wedding performed by non-mormons have no validity. They believe that dead people ought to be baptized as mormons by proxy and do geneology so that they can do that for people. Recently that has included holocaust victims despite the pleas of the relatives to stop doing it. They believe that they are lead my an old man who talks face-to-face with god usually in the temple in Salt Lake City. They believe that there is no such think as gay or lesbian just people who struggle with same sex attraction. AND these are the people who determined the outcome of Proposition 8. And we let them.

We gave control to the assimilationist "leaders" of our community. We let Equality California take charge and try to act all nice and proper because they think if we just behave ourselves we will be accepted. They want people to believe that we are just like straight people except we suck each other's dicks and fuck each other in the ass. And they are not TOO comfortable with that. If we get married at least then maybe we will only do those awful sex things with one person. Remember the Mattachine society tried to do that and failed. It was a bunch of ugly drag queens who fought back and the world took notice. There are currently people trying to make sure that our protests are neat and orderly. They want us to listen as political hacks and hollywood flunkys tell us what we should think and how we should feel, They want the choas of change to be comfortable and risk free. And they will be swept up in the change and forgotten to history as just like those stupid Mattachine members.

There are members of our community who are already planning their future politcal careers. They want to be the "go-to" guys that the LAPD or City Hall can go to as liasons to the Gay community. They have chosen whose side they are on and want to deceive us that it is our side. It is not. They are standing on the sidelines trying to control the flood of progress by asking if we can't just be a little nicer. This is not going to be pretty. Hopefully, it is going to be effective.

Ya know, I am not a nervous flyer. I actually enjoy flying. But the night before an early morning flight I don’t usually sleep all that well. So rather than annoy Logan, I thought I would spend a few minutes and send an email. In other words…..I’ll annoy you guys.

As we get ready for LA PRIDE, the next in a long line of “events” ever since LAL, I just wanted to thank the folks who do so much for our community. Tonight, I met with part of the team that is working on Erotic City. I sat in that room and realized just how fortunate we are as a community and how lucky I am. Here we are less than 15 days away and fresh and creative ideas are still flowing. People are thinking of new things and how do to old things better. They are giving of their time, their resources, and themselves. It will be another gathering of our tribe.

A year ago, some of us had the remarkable experience of sitting in the Chicago Theatre when Mike Gerle was selected as International Mr. Leather. What an exceptional year, and what an exceptional leader. Mike came to an LALC meeting right after IML and passed his medallion around the room so that each of the folks in the meeting could “sorta” put their energy into it. It seems that each of us may have been just as touched by his energy as well. Now some of us are headed off to Chicago so that Mike can step down and I can hardly imagine what that will be like. Oh, not the speech…the change. We have celebrated his year at several events, but suddenly it hit me how much has happened and how fast.

We are also going to IML because Ross is going to stand on that same stage this weekend. A bunch of us were having dinner at Long Beach Pride and Ross happened to walk by. I sat there realizing that we are sending a pretty remarkable Mr. LA Leather to IML AGAIN! He has already demonstrated his leadership and his warm and caring spirit. Ross shared that he has had some pretty incredible things happen already. I thought of all the folks who helped make it possible and wondered if they knew that they had had a part in that process. I wanted to make sure that the members of the coalition were aware of what their efforts had produced.

As I was thinking of the Mike and Ross, I started to think of all the other people who have been in their spots, and then all the people involved in those events, and it sorta became overwhelming. There were an awful lot of people both “out in front” and behind the scenes who were involved in all that we do. Sure some came and left, but an awful lot of them stayed and are “connected” no matter what role they are in.

See maybe that is what is keeping me up….instead of my fear that I will oversleep and miss my flight. See, when I left that Erotic City meeting, I wondered if people knew all the things that go on behind the scenes. Not the hard work, I think people recognize that. I was wondering if all the folks doing the hard work recognized all the good their hard work was doing. See, I realized it is all about the working together. Sometimes it seems like the event itself matters. But the real secret is that it is about working together to make something happen between us. In that process, we grow, we learn, we solve problems, and we CONNECT. We start to work together and we become friends, hell, we become family. When I thought about all the “events” I kept seeing faces in my mind. The faces of the people I love and respect that make these things happen.

This weekend a lot of people are going to work hard to produce IML. Mike will step down as IML and Ross will step across the stage as the first Mr. LA Leather to follow in his footsteps. But the people who come from all over to make that happen will have connected. They will form their family and it will overlap with ours. And maybe part of what is keeping me up tonight, is knowing that both families will be missing someone who we came to think of as part of us. Steve Johnson won’t be at registration for LAL next year and he won’t be in Chicago this weekend and I for one am going to miss him. A lot of people are. His passing has reminded us of the fragile nature of our connections. His passing reminded me of how lucky I am to know some pretty remarkable people that I got to meet when we as a community put on “an event”. Knowing he would not be there this weekend, I was reminded to say thank you to all of you, not just for what you do, but for who you are, and not just for who you are in our community, but for who you are to me. Thank you.

We will never produce a perfect event. BUT in the process of trying we will build our tribe and our family and we will connect. Let me express my appreciation to those of you who are always there. I appreciate the connection that we have built working together. There will also be some new folks who offer to pitch in and help. Not just because it is fun but because they want to be a part of our tribe. Welcome them. If we have learned anything about the folks who show up, it is that they are full of surprises.

Where were YOU last night???

Got a call from Michael Thorn the other day asking if I could talk to him about an article he was writing. I figured I could swing by after work about 6 and be at the Avatar meeting around 8. Well I got home around 12:30, never made it to the meeting, and my goddamn ass is still sore from sitting in the same fucking chair for 6 hours.

Here are a few things I realized:

1) Talking to Michael is like talking to Robinson Carusoe must have been after he got rescued from the damn island. He has been isolated in front of his computer for so long that when he has a live person there he talks. A LOT. But….

2) He is a GREAT story teller. He not only had a lot of experiences, he was paying attention when he had them. Every now and then he will say: “let me see if I can tell this right”. He usually does

3) He is deeply passionate about our community.

4) He has a magazine and he is not afraid to use it.

And lastly……

5) I couldn’t sleep when I got home because the conversation fucked with my brain.

You and I have talked about the deleterious impact the dinosaurs are having on things that we care about. I think I realized after last night that it is far worse than anything I ever imagined. At one point, we looked on-line at a picture of the Satyrs. I have been to Badger Flats. I was young and those guys kinda scared me. They ALL had 12 inch dicks, and big hairy balls that hung to their knees. They used to be hot, horny fuckers who were famous for being hot, horny fuckers. The picture of the club on their web-site was haunting. The guys in the front row had canes and walkers. Their website was never going to attract anyone let alone somebody who might actually be looking to find out about them ‘cuz they were fun. When Thorn showed it to me, I didn’t realize the impact it would have. BUT ALL NIGHT LONG, I kept thinking about that damn picture. It woke me up over and over. At first, I thought it was just because every organization I to which I belong has dorky website. NONE of them are really hot. NONE!!! I have seen hot websites and these ain’t them. BUT FINALLY I realized it was because I was a lot closer to BEING those old geezers that I wanted to admit. I realized I was already starting to act like them. I realized that some of these old guys are planning to take their clubs with them when they die and and trying to take me along. And…..like a dolt, I am gladly getting on-board the sinking ship because they are going to call me the captain and let me ring the ship’s bell as we slip beneath the water.

It became clear to me that there are guys out there who are looking for the stuff we have. They want to know how to fist, and flog, and fuck. They are young and they are looking. Because we have abdicated our responsibility to mentor, they are being drawn in by the guys we have already rejected as being dangerous or fucked up. If I was one of them I would be pissed. When did we let the guys from the “island of misfit toys” (Thorn’s term and I like it) take over? The problem, is that he has a fucking magazine and he is willing to point out just how fucked up some of this shit really is. What will happen when he warns that “next generation” that the old clubs are unsafe, or not honest, or just not any fun. Oh we will fuss and fume, but he will be right and the smart kids will know he is right and they will just walk on by. The dinosaurs will sit in a fucking circle trying find their withered up little dicks and cry that nobody has joined them in the last few years and their clubs are dying just as fast as they are. BUT it will be because those nasty boys said mean things about them.

Dave keeps asking why he should wear the damn shirt. I like that metaphor. What fucking good does it do me to be part of something that thinks the most important thing they can spent time doing is talk about “How to pick up deaf guys”. Ya know some of the hottest leather sex has pretty much universal signs. If you can’t play without talking maybe it is because you have been doing too many fucking “demos” (please be sure to pronounce the word “demos” with dripping disdain). Otherwise “get a fucking book on signing…..there can we go to the bar now” One of the tag lines was that in 25 years we have never done this presentation. Did anyone point out that it might just be because it was a brain numbingly stupid idea? Dave seems to be asking: “How will being a member allow me to teach some new kid interested in fisting to do it without getting hurt or even killed?” I have seen him mentor. It is the very embodiment of how I learned. I wasn’t “taught”. I was shown, corrected, guided and when I started to fuck up I was told to stop. I was mentored by men that cared about ME not about their “demo audience”. If I fucked up, they looked bad. I knew that and made sure not to fuck up. Why is it that we are so scared to MENTOR? What is the fucking attraction to “teaching”?

Somewhere in during my restless night, I realized that we listened to all the whiny bitchy queens telling us what we couldn’t do for so long that we got blue balls and rather than fucking our way to feeling better we just cut our balls off. What really scared me was that I realized I came late to this process, but that it was powerful enough to grab a hold of me and pull me right on in with the rest of the eunuchs. There I was listening to this crazy “instigator” and hearing this tiny little voice in my head saying “you can’t do that”, “we have to be careful”, “oh but what about the children” (okay that last one was from the Simpsons). THAT’s what was keeping me up. That skinny little pig fucker had gotten into my head and asked me the really fucked up question….”So whataya gonna do old man?”

He actually said at one point that if something doesn’t change, these old guy’s lives will be irrelevant. All their legacy will disappear and they will be forgotten. I knew he was right….it just took a while to realize he was right about ME. He will leave behind copies of his magazine covered in splooge, I will leave behind meeting agendas and minutes covered in dust.

Sooooooo…..I guess what I realized is that I am in. Yep I am in. I want to leave behind something more than meeting minutes I want to be able to say that when I was in positions of leadership something really substantive happened. That it made a difference…that I made a difference…that WE made a difference. That we had a vision of what we could do and actually did it. WE learned from our elders and honored them and then when the got too old we set them on an ice flow and shoved off to oblivion. We were gonna eat ‘em but the bastards are too stringy

Well sweet puppy-fucking jeesus. I thought I was going to relax this weekend but now I see that I am going to be thinking. FUCK YOU MICHAEL THORN!!!! Son of a bitch, get into my head will you. You better be careful I might actually DO something. Shit!!! Now I have to pack all the floggers, single tails, and other toys and my fucking lap top.

OH by the way, you are not off the hook dear. I recognize your fingers in all of this. See you this weekend.

The Oprah-fication of Men

What ever happened to good old fashioned masculinity? Not the abusive asshole machismo that passes as masculinity but the real thing....the masculinity that was powerful but powerful with a purpose. What ever happened to EROTIC meaning more than just the most simplistic sexuality? Too many men have sold their testicles for acceptance. The heard that the only way they could be masculine was to be a Neanderthal. If you were not willing to club women over the head and drag them back to the cave, you might as well chop off you nuts and become an Alan Alda clone...sensitive and caring but totally impotent and incompetent. I think that gay men are in fact, to blame. We stopped modeling how men could love each other with power and erotic energy and trading in our balls for ball gowns. Some how gender fuck became the end goal. Rather than embracing our drag queen brothers for what they could teach us about gender stereotypes, we embraced the cartoon like image of men in drag. Look at most traditional "macho" cultures. Are they not also the nelliest bunch of "girls" you have ever met. During the second world war, the Philippine men that fought the Japanese hid in the jungle, suffered all kinds of privation, and fought. Find me a gay Phillipino that doesn't do drag. Hell....Tagalog IS the official language of the Imperial Court. There is no interest in exposing our foibles...these guys just want to wear a dress. They are not the kind of gay men, I dreamed of as a little kid. Those guys were masculine and worshiped cock. The idea of tucking their dick between their legs was not only unthinkable it would have been impossible. We have become so confused that we cannot recognize our own complaisance in the chaos. For Example....how many porn websites advertise that their models are "straight". Why is that an advantage? What fantasy did we collectively endorse that straight guys would be more fun to watch jerk off or to fuck? Have you ever tried to fuck a straight guy....>THEY SUCK AT IT<. Give me an expert when it comes to the high wire act of gay sex. I want somebody who knows what the hell they are doing and has had some practice. Straight guys squirming in unexpected discomfort are not very exciting. More later....gotta run.

Pathological Narcissism

I was asked to speak at a "town hall meeting" about toxic folks in the fetish community. The event organizers had a list of such folks....stalkers, character assassins, spinners, emotional vampires...the categories were rather creative. It seems that most of the affect was generated by people posting about others on mail lists or yahoo groups and saying negative things. Some of what was said was no doubt painful to the subjects of the negative comments.

As I was preparing my part of the presentation, the categories were divided up amongst the other presenters, and I was given a part that I thought was a clever way of describing pathological narcissists. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that all of the problems could be explained by such pathology.

A review of the mythology of Narcissus reveals that there are several different versions, two of which are of interest in this context. One in which Narcissus rejects his male lover and has him kill himself, and the more well known version of Echo and Narcissus in which Echo eventually pines away of her unrequited love until nothing is left but her voice. Both stories illustrate the danger of loving something than cannot love you back.

Pathological narcissism consumes those whose major task is to reflect the narcissist back to themselves. I mentioned that one way to tell a narcissist is to try to discuss something about yourself with them. If you tell them about your experiences or feelings it takes about three seconds for the conversation to turn to them. If you call to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with some awful disease, the conversation will quickly turn to THEIR experience or reaction.

We all have to have some healthy narcissism. In the fetish community, masters or tops or doms have to have the where with all to take the responsibility to be in charge and perform well. Bottoms, or subs have to have where with all to not be consumed in a scene but to come out on the other side more powerful. We have to have sufficient narcissism to protect ourselves both externally and intra-psychically. With out a healthy narcissism we would be overwhelmed by the criticism of others.

I a community that MUST take responsibility for itself and its role in the greater world, those who are "in it for themselves" can hurt other people. In fact, they can be quite divisive. They are so convinced that their own point of view or problem is more important that the greater good, that they are willing to damage the community at large to pursue their issues. In groups or on committees, they cannot hear the voices of others and push forward their own agenda even when their is no consensus. They are right no matter how much damage it does.

The only defense is to step away from the drama. Of course these folks usually escalate but eventually they are marginalized and move on to other groups, organizations, or communities. The drama does nothing to resolve their internal pain and emptiness but it is a distraction.

What I found amazing about this whole issue was how isolated I felt from it. I was so grateful to the men in my life, some of which attended this event, and how strange this felt for us. It was not an issue with which we were effected. At times, it seemed as if they wondered what the hell people we talking about. It was a wonderful reminder of how fortunate I really am. In fact, when it was all over, I realized that we had spent a lot of time discussing something that was for the most part rather rare.....thank gawd.

Big Dick Days

I had a friend in high school who used to think that some days his dick was bigger than others. He referred to these as "big dick days". It eventually became a metaphor for days in which everything seemed to go his way.

Hanging out with him, it was not hard to notice which days were the good ones. They were often typified by his attitude. On the BDDs he tended to act more "powerfully". He was able to solve problems, be creative, and deal with what ever might come up. We once discussed which might have come first..the attitude or the putative physiological effect.

I think there is something to be said about men who surrender they power and act like eunuchs. They are overwhelmed by small problems, they get easily frustrated, and they tend to be inadequate in every possible way. They usually try to compensate by acting like Neanderthals. They swagger, bluster, and threaten but when it comes time to act like a man, they are hung like a mouse.

I think there are a lot of influences that contribute to this type of behavior. The fact that so many boys are mentored by women is a huge issue. There are few men mentoring boys in the ways of an evolved masculinity. Too many athers have surrendered their important role in the family to be nothing more than an earner. The measure their success not in how the raised their sons but rather in how much they have achieved at work. Sadly, what ever role they have in the work world is time limited. Eventually, they stop being the boss, the doctor, the lawyer, the professor and face a vacuum...a very painful vacuum. Too many come home and expect their families to treat them like they were recruits in the family boot camp.

In the BDSM community, there have always been mentors. In the past, your passport into the community had to be validated by those mentors. Now, we have thrown open the doors and invite participation from just about anybody. Which has lead to a planned meeting to address some of the consequences of this policy. So once again we will try to "herd the cats". The problem is that we have surrendered our power to make a difficult choice and express that somebody is just plain nuts. In the old days, misbehavior in the community led to being excluded. Now, some people are so castrated that they can't even deal with the tough issues. I think it is the continued poison of assimilationism. We have to recognize that only we can accept ourselves and trying to convince everybody that we are just nice people who have a quirk is ill advised. We play on the edge and there is not room for everybody.

The most powerful people I know, are those who are willing to take a stand when it is difficult to do so. They are willing to express the minority viewpoint when others want to pretend that all si well. They do not act rudely or even unkindly when they have to take a stand that is easily seen as rude or unkind. They are willing to tell somebody that they are not welcome, not because of prejudice or bias but because they are willing to take the responsibility for their decisions and express their discomfort including those they feel are not appropriate.

Mental illness in your bowling group is one thing, having somebody with personality pathology or depression can be catastrophic in your leather club. We need the big dicked folks to take up leadership positions and act with the power and authority that entails.

Lyin' for the Lard

I have tried to NOT address some of the issues brought up by mormonism in the news but in so doing I find that I just become silent. SO....what the hell.

Most mormons have been told at some time or another that little white lies for the sake of the greater good are acceptable. Sometimes this is expressed in the idea of" milk before meat". As missionaries were trained to address some of the more controversial aspects of church doctrine by ignoring or minimizing it. When astute evangelicals would bring up the mormon doctrine that there are more that just one god, the mormon response was to obscure the mormon church's true teachings. When xians would claim that mormons are not really "christians" in the main-line sort of definition, they would respond "well of course we are...the NAME of our church is the church of jesus christ"... According to this logic, if taco bell were to call their chaulpa a lobster tail you would eat it with drawn butter.

When I was a missionary, one of my assignments was to try to scout out potential property for the church to buy and build a chapel. I was given SPECIFIC instructions that I was not to tell anyone that the property was for the mormon church because then they would "jack up the price". Not telling the truth was justified because after all I was responsible for the lord's money.

Well now old Mitt has his ass in a sling for this very behavior. Most mormons, though not all, are terribly ashamed of the church's history of racism. I can remember a very prominent "apostle" (aka..a representative of the Lard Jesus Christ hisself) state that no person with a drop of black blood would ever hold the priesthood until the second coming of christ. Seems the "black folk" were not as valiant in the war in heaven that happened before the creation of the earth and so they were marked with the mark of Cain. Now if these seems wierder than a chicken on roller skates it is just because you never spent much time among the "saints". The make the scientologists look sane but they tend to keep it under wraps. When the mormon church grew by leaps and bounds in Brazil, that old not one drop of black blood business became impossible. SOoooo a revelation and bada bing bada boom problem solved. The racist past was no longer an issue...unless you wanted to run for president.

The idea that ole Mitt went through the temple to learn secret handshakes (stolen from the Masons for the most part) to get into heaven and made a blood oath to never reveal them....well that is a topic for another time.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22363300#22363300

Watch old Mitt back peddle and know that all through out Utah the questions are a sure sign that Satan is trying to defeat a righteous man.

Remember that the mormon church STILL teaches that reparative therapy is a cure for homosexuality. Every major mental health organization has dismissed, debunked, and distanced themselves from the very idea. When BYU's clinical psychology program is audited by the APA, they talk just like the folks at Notre Dame. They are clinicians in a university sponsored by a religious organization. But let the site visitors jump in the cars and the knowing winks begin. The fact that the mo' church owns its own social service organization is usually left out of the conversation. If you get sent to LDS Social Services (the old name for it I think) you will be told that your wanting to suck dick can be cured with scripture reading, cold showers, and playing basket ball. Your father was weak your mother was overbearing and you just need to hang out with men and get your gender bearings adjusted. The idea that gay men are attracted to MEN does not enter their little brains. They think that gay me want to be women so that they can be around men to fill some emotional deficit is curable. Facts will never get in the way of dogma. My suggestion is that all the reparative therapists ought to make their daughters marry the cured gay guys....let's just see how that works.

When you put this whole ramble into context (not easy but possible) it is the idea that mormons are RIGHT!!! The believe they are led by men who talk to god. In Utah they are called Prophets. In California they are called schizophrenics. In Utah you follow them and give them 10% of your income. In California you give them injections of Haldol.

Poor Mitt. He is the worse place a mormon can be. He is being asked embarrassing questions by people who can check the facts. I SAW my dad march with MLK. yeah and Joseph Smith SAW god. Probably about with the same visual acuity.

Stephen Lynch - If I Were Gay

For Ron...who also only had one ball but is still one damn sexy guitar player.

Protecting and Maintaining Your Heterosexual House of Cards

Ah too many of my straight friends and family need to be more familiar with their wangs.

Interesting Question....

What's the coolest fetish performance you've ever seen or heard of?

This is NOT a sexual question. I'm looking performance scene scenarios. Performances you might have scene at BDSM, burlesque or similar shows/conferences. Pole dancing or things you saw at a strip club are also NOT what I'm looking for. Fire flogging, stunt whipping and unique improvised bondage are more in line with this question. Specific details would be helpful bonus points if you find footage. Thanks in advance for your help on this oddball question. :)

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

Not for the faint hearted but if you are interested in serious S&M then look for "suspension" on the internnet. Some participate for spiritual enlightenment, others for sexual pleasure.

The above exchange was sent to me by a friend following an ongoing discussion in our Leather/Fetish community here in Los Angeles. I have been struggling with some of the issues that this topic is helping to illustrate so let me ramble.....

I have been involved in a number of events that have demos of fetish or BDSM activities. This can range to everything from "demonstrating" flogging, participating in panel discussions, or even didactic presentations on the neurobiology of SM. I have begun to question the process though. I do not have answers but the questions keep coming up.

Some of the Tribal Elders tell how when they were first coming into the community, it was a rather arduous process. People back then were subject to arrest and all kinds of other problems. It was quite common to make new-comers "prove" themselves before they were accepted. It was intentionally an exclusionary process, it had to be. It was a gradual step-wise process of acceptance.. You were likely to be invited to a social event before you were ever invited to play with someone. They checked you out. First to make sure you were not an undercover vice cop, but also to determine if you were someone with whom they wanted to share their hard earned knowledge.

Today, we take one of the most important parts of our life, our kinky sexuality, and share it in public for all kinds of reasons. Education, exposure, and entertainment seem to top the list. I am not suggesting that we should not do this, I am just thinking out loud as it were. There is a very different feeling from playing in public at a BDSM party in which most of the people present are experienced and participating (even if their participation is as a voyeur) and an event in which some of the people are on-lookers. For those who talk about the energy in a scene, I wonder what the impact is of some looki-loo tossing their cookies because they are wierded out by what is going on on-stage.

I think on of the most dangerous aspects of "public play", is that it is easy, no matter your motivation, to find yourself encouraged by the audience to realign your priorities from whatever that motivation might have been to theirs. In my experience, the audience is usually interested in being entertained. It seems pretty common for those audience members to encourage more extreme behavior with out much insight to the risks involved. It seems that the communication coming FROM the audience is usually limited to things like: "Tie him tighter", "Hit him harder", or "Do it to his dick". I think some of our educational demonstrations have as much educational value as gladiatorial combat. I am sure the Roman spectators learned anatomy and all kinds of other important topics while attending the Coliseum but I am not sure that was the original intent or the most effect teaching methodology.

Last night I attended an event, part of which was a suspension scene. The troupe of performers was talented, skillful, and did a great job. I have been to other such scenes that were deeply moving and had an almost spiritual air to them. This was different. (please note...that says different not bad) I was listening to people in the audience. Some guy was narrating to his friends. He made them draw up close to the stage and get so close they were in the way as he told them all about what was going on....oh and got it all wrong by the way. The performers were teased and taunted, not in a cruel way but more teasing. It was NOT like the scene I can recall in which a good friend was suspended for his birthday and had invited his friends to be there to support him. Again, that was different.

My fantasy about the question posited at the top of this post, by the way, is that it was posted by some nice little mommy who was trying to do something special for her son's bar mitzvah.