Pathological Narcissism

I was asked to speak at a "town hall meeting" about toxic folks in the fetish community. The event organizers had a list of such folks....stalkers, character assassins, spinners, emotional vampires...the categories were rather creative. It seems that most of the affect was generated by people posting about others on mail lists or yahoo groups and saying negative things. Some of what was said was no doubt painful to the subjects of the negative comments.

As I was preparing my part of the presentation, the categories were divided up amongst the other presenters, and I was given a part that I thought was a clever way of describing pathological narcissists. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that all of the problems could be explained by such pathology.

A review of the mythology of Narcissus reveals that there are several different versions, two of which are of interest in this context. One in which Narcissus rejects his male lover and has him kill himself, and the more well known version of Echo and Narcissus in which Echo eventually pines away of her unrequited love until nothing is left but her voice. Both stories illustrate the danger of loving something than cannot love you back.

Pathological narcissism consumes those whose major task is to reflect the narcissist back to themselves. I mentioned that one way to tell a narcissist is to try to discuss something about yourself with them. If you tell them about your experiences or feelings it takes about three seconds for the conversation to turn to them. If you call to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with some awful disease, the conversation will quickly turn to THEIR experience or reaction.

We all have to have some healthy narcissism. In the fetish community, masters or tops or doms have to have the where with all to take the responsibility to be in charge and perform well. Bottoms, or subs have to have where with all to not be consumed in a scene but to come out on the other side more powerful. We have to have sufficient narcissism to protect ourselves both externally and intra-psychically. With out a healthy narcissism we would be overwhelmed by the criticism of others.

I a community that MUST take responsibility for itself and its role in the greater world, those who are "in it for themselves" can hurt other people. In fact, they can be quite divisive. They are so convinced that their own point of view or problem is more important that the greater good, that they are willing to damage the community at large to pursue their issues. In groups or on committees, they cannot hear the voices of others and push forward their own agenda even when their is no consensus. They are right no matter how much damage it does.

The only defense is to step away from the drama. Of course these folks usually escalate but eventually they are marginalized and move on to other groups, organizations, or communities. The drama does nothing to resolve their internal pain and emptiness but it is a distraction.

What I found amazing about this whole issue was how isolated I felt from it. I was so grateful to the men in my life, some of which attended this event, and how strange this felt for us. It was not an issue with which we were effected. At times, it seemed as if they wondered what the hell people we talking about. It was a wonderful reminder of how fortunate I really am. In fact, when it was all over, I realized that we had spent a lot of time discussing something that was for the most part rather rare.....thank gawd.

Big Dick Days

I had a friend in high school who used to think that some days his dick was bigger than others. He referred to these as "big dick days". It eventually became a metaphor for days in which everything seemed to go his way.

Hanging out with him, it was not hard to notice which days were the good ones. They were often typified by his attitude. On the BDDs he tended to act more "powerfully". He was able to solve problems, be creative, and deal with what ever might come up. We once discussed which might have come first..the attitude or the putative physiological effect.

I think there is something to be said about men who surrender they power and act like eunuchs. They are overwhelmed by small problems, they get easily frustrated, and they tend to be inadequate in every possible way. They usually try to compensate by acting like Neanderthals. They swagger, bluster, and threaten but when it comes time to act like a man, they are hung like a mouse.

I think there are a lot of influences that contribute to this type of behavior. The fact that so many boys are mentored by women is a huge issue. There are few men mentoring boys in the ways of an evolved masculinity. Too many athers have surrendered their important role in the family to be nothing more than an earner. The measure their success not in how the raised their sons but rather in how much they have achieved at work. Sadly, what ever role they have in the work world is time limited. Eventually, they stop being the boss, the doctor, the lawyer, the professor and face a vacuum...a very painful vacuum. Too many come home and expect their families to treat them like they were recruits in the family boot camp.

In the BDSM community, there have always been mentors. In the past, your passport into the community had to be validated by those mentors. Now, we have thrown open the doors and invite participation from just about anybody. Which has lead to a planned meeting to address some of the consequences of this policy. So once again we will try to "herd the cats". The problem is that we have surrendered our power to make a difficult choice and express that somebody is just plain nuts. In the old days, misbehavior in the community led to being excluded. Now, some people are so castrated that they can't even deal with the tough issues. I think it is the continued poison of assimilationism. We have to recognize that only we can accept ourselves and trying to convince everybody that we are just nice people who have a quirk is ill advised. We play on the edge and there is not room for everybody.

The most powerful people I know, are those who are willing to take a stand when it is difficult to do so. They are willing to express the minority viewpoint when others want to pretend that all si well. They do not act rudely or even unkindly when they have to take a stand that is easily seen as rude or unkind. They are willing to tell somebody that they are not welcome, not because of prejudice or bias but because they are willing to take the responsibility for their decisions and express their discomfort including those they feel are not appropriate.

Mental illness in your bowling group is one thing, having somebody with personality pathology or depression can be catastrophic in your leather club. We need the big dicked folks to take up leadership positions and act with the power and authority that entails.

Lyin' for the Lard

I have tried to NOT address some of the issues brought up by mormonism in the news but in so doing I find that I just become silent. SO....what the hell.

Most mormons have been told at some time or another that little white lies for the sake of the greater good are acceptable. Sometimes this is expressed in the idea of" milk before meat". As missionaries were trained to address some of the more controversial aspects of church doctrine by ignoring or minimizing it. When astute evangelicals would bring up the mormon doctrine that there are more that just one god, the mormon response was to obscure the mormon church's true teachings. When xians would claim that mormons are not really "christians" in the main-line sort of definition, they would respond "well of course we are...the NAME of our church is the church of jesus christ"... According to this logic, if taco bell were to call their chaulpa a lobster tail you would eat it with drawn butter.

When I was a missionary, one of my assignments was to try to scout out potential property for the church to buy and build a chapel. I was given SPECIFIC instructions that I was not to tell anyone that the property was for the mormon church because then they would "jack up the price". Not telling the truth was justified because after all I was responsible for the lord's money.

Well now old Mitt has his ass in a sling for this very behavior. Most mormons, though not all, are terribly ashamed of the church's history of racism. I can remember a very prominent "apostle" (aka..a representative of the Lard Jesus Christ hisself) state that no person with a drop of black blood would ever hold the priesthood until the second coming of christ. Seems the "black folk" were not as valiant in the war in heaven that happened before the creation of the earth and so they were marked with the mark of Cain. Now if these seems wierder than a chicken on roller skates it is just because you never spent much time among the "saints". The make the scientologists look sane but they tend to keep it under wraps. When the mormon church grew by leaps and bounds in Brazil, that old not one drop of black blood business became impossible. SOoooo a revelation and bada bing bada boom problem solved. The racist past was no longer an issue...unless you wanted to run for president.

The idea that ole Mitt went through the temple to learn secret handshakes (stolen from the Masons for the most part) to get into heaven and made a blood oath to never reveal them....well that is a topic for another time.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22363300#22363300

Watch old Mitt back peddle and know that all through out Utah the questions are a sure sign that Satan is trying to defeat a righteous man.

Remember that the mormon church STILL teaches that reparative therapy is a cure for homosexuality. Every major mental health organization has dismissed, debunked, and distanced themselves from the very idea. When BYU's clinical psychology program is audited by the APA, they talk just like the folks at Notre Dame. They are clinicians in a university sponsored by a religious organization. But let the site visitors jump in the cars and the knowing winks begin. The fact that the mo' church owns its own social service organization is usually left out of the conversation. If you get sent to LDS Social Services (the old name for it I think) you will be told that your wanting to suck dick can be cured with scripture reading, cold showers, and playing basket ball. Your father was weak your mother was overbearing and you just need to hang out with men and get your gender bearings adjusted. The idea that gay men are attracted to MEN does not enter their little brains. They think that gay me want to be women so that they can be around men to fill some emotional deficit is curable. Facts will never get in the way of dogma. My suggestion is that all the reparative therapists ought to make their daughters marry the cured gay guys....let's just see how that works.

When you put this whole ramble into context (not easy but possible) it is the idea that mormons are RIGHT!!! The believe they are led by men who talk to god. In Utah they are called Prophets. In California they are called schizophrenics. In Utah you follow them and give them 10% of your income. In California you give them injections of Haldol.

Poor Mitt. He is the worse place a mormon can be. He is being asked embarrassing questions by people who can check the facts. I SAW my dad march with MLK. yeah and Joseph Smith SAW god. Probably about with the same visual acuity.

Stephen Lynch - If I Were Gay

For Ron...who also only had one ball but is still one damn sexy guitar player.

Protecting and Maintaining Your Heterosexual House of Cards

Ah too many of my straight friends and family need to be more familiar with their wangs.

Interesting Question....

What's the coolest fetish performance you've ever seen or heard of?

This is NOT a sexual question. I'm looking performance scene scenarios. Performances you might have scene at BDSM, burlesque or similar shows/conferences. Pole dancing or things you saw at a strip club are also NOT what I'm looking for. Fire flogging, stunt whipping and unique improvised bondage are more in line with this question. Specific details would be helpful bonus points if you find footage. Thanks in advance for your help on this oddball question. :)

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

Not for the faint hearted but if you are interested in serious S&M then look for "suspension" on the internnet. Some participate for spiritual enlightenment, others for sexual pleasure.

The above exchange was sent to me by a friend following an ongoing discussion in our Leather/Fetish community here in Los Angeles. I have been struggling with some of the issues that this topic is helping to illustrate so let me ramble.....

I have been involved in a number of events that have demos of fetish or BDSM activities. This can range to everything from "demonstrating" flogging, participating in panel discussions, or even didactic presentations on the neurobiology of SM. I have begun to question the process though. I do not have answers but the questions keep coming up.

Some of the Tribal Elders tell how when they were first coming into the community, it was a rather arduous process. People back then were subject to arrest and all kinds of other problems. It was quite common to make new-comers "prove" themselves before they were accepted. It was intentionally an exclusionary process, it had to be. It was a gradual step-wise process of acceptance.. You were likely to be invited to a social event before you were ever invited to play with someone. They checked you out. First to make sure you were not an undercover vice cop, but also to determine if you were someone with whom they wanted to share their hard earned knowledge.

Today, we take one of the most important parts of our life, our kinky sexuality, and share it in public for all kinds of reasons. Education, exposure, and entertainment seem to top the list. I am not suggesting that we should not do this, I am just thinking out loud as it were. There is a very different feeling from playing in public at a BDSM party in which most of the people present are experienced and participating (even if their participation is as a voyeur) and an event in which some of the people are on-lookers. For those who talk about the energy in a scene, I wonder what the impact is of some looki-loo tossing their cookies because they are wierded out by what is going on on-stage.

I think on of the most dangerous aspects of "public play", is that it is easy, no matter your motivation, to find yourself encouraged by the audience to realign your priorities from whatever that motivation might have been to theirs. In my experience, the audience is usually interested in being entertained. It seems pretty common for those audience members to encourage more extreme behavior with out much insight to the risks involved. It seems that the communication coming FROM the audience is usually limited to things like: "Tie him tighter", "Hit him harder", or "Do it to his dick". I think some of our educational demonstrations have as much educational value as gladiatorial combat. I am sure the Roman spectators learned anatomy and all kinds of other important topics while attending the Coliseum but I am not sure that was the original intent or the most effect teaching methodology.

Last night I attended an event, part of which was a suspension scene. The troupe of performers was talented, skillful, and did a great job. I have been to other such scenes that were deeply moving and had an almost spiritual air to them. This was different. (please note...that says different not bad) I was listening to people in the audience. Some guy was narrating to his friends. He made them draw up close to the stage and get so close they were in the way as he told them all about what was going on....oh and got it all wrong by the way. The performers were teased and taunted, not in a cruel way but more teasing. It was NOT like the scene I can recall in which a good friend was suspended for his birthday and had invited his friends to be there to support him. Again, that was different.

My fantasy about the question posited at the top of this post, by the way, is that it was posted by some nice little mommy who was trying to do something special for her son's bar mitzvah.

Have you ever noticed that some days just really suck? Today is really trying hard to be one of those days. It started out fine. In fact, parts of it were really pretty terrific. But THEN...well let's just say people are REALLY pissing me off and I am TRYING to be nice.

I gotta ask myself..."are there really somethings I just don't think people should do?" Are there some boundaries I think should not be violated? I resent the fact that my answer is in the affirmative. I really want to be able to say that I am a little more resistant to other people's bullshit than I seem to be. So the consequence is that I will have to wait and see how well I delay what seems like an inevitable confrontation with the fact that I am dealing with what has been referred to as "douchbaggary".

I have learned that permanence is a luxury. It is rare and very expensive. Sometimes it is much better to accept what is functional and in this case it is a clear recognition that because somethings will NOT change...other things will have to.

Tonight's exercise in narcissism is brought to you by my decision to use this forum to explore my personal process and a house full of people who seem to think that my reaction to their behavior is very different than it really is.

Stay tuned...fireworks are always a possibility and a lot more likely to be entertaining that the smoldering going on right now.