Where were YOU last night???

Got a call from Michael Thorn the other day asking if I could talk to him about an article he was writing. I figured I could swing by after work about 6 and be at the Avatar meeting around 8. Well I got home around 12:30, never made it to the meeting, and my goddamn ass is still sore from sitting in the same fucking chair for 6 hours.

Here are a few things I realized:

1) Talking to Michael is like talking to Robinson Carusoe must have been after he got rescued from the damn island. He has been isolated in front of his computer for so long that when he has a live person there he talks. A LOT. But….

2) He is a GREAT story teller. He not only had a lot of experiences, he was paying attention when he had them. Every now and then he will say: “let me see if I can tell this right”. He usually does

3) He is deeply passionate about our community.

4) He has a magazine and he is not afraid to use it.

And lastly……

5) I couldn’t sleep when I got home because the conversation fucked with my brain.

You and I have talked about the deleterious impact the dinosaurs are having on things that we care about. I think I realized after last night that it is far worse than anything I ever imagined. At one point, we looked on-line at a picture of the Satyrs. I have been to Badger Flats. I was young and those guys kinda scared me. They ALL had 12 inch dicks, and big hairy balls that hung to their knees. They used to be hot, horny fuckers who were famous for being hot, horny fuckers. The picture of the club on their web-site was haunting. The guys in the front row had canes and walkers. Their website was never going to attract anyone let alone somebody who might actually be looking to find out about them ‘cuz they were fun. When Thorn showed it to me, I didn’t realize the impact it would have. BUT ALL NIGHT LONG, I kept thinking about that damn picture. It woke me up over and over. At first, I thought it was just because every organization I to which I belong has dorky website. NONE of them are really hot. NONE!!! I have seen hot websites and these ain’t them. BUT FINALLY I realized it was because I was a lot closer to BEING those old geezers that I wanted to admit. I realized I was already starting to act like them. I realized that some of these old guys are planning to take their clubs with them when they die and and trying to take me along. And…..like a dolt, I am gladly getting on-board the sinking ship because they are going to call me the captain and let me ring the ship’s bell as we slip beneath the water.

It became clear to me that there are guys out there who are looking for the stuff we have. They want to know how to fist, and flog, and fuck. They are young and they are looking. Because we have abdicated our responsibility to mentor, they are being drawn in by the guys we have already rejected as being dangerous or fucked up. If I was one of them I would be pissed. When did we let the guys from the “island of misfit toys” (Thorn’s term and I like it) take over? The problem, is that he has a fucking magazine and he is willing to point out just how fucked up some of this shit really is. What will happen when he warns that “next generation” that the old clubs are unsafe, or not honest, or just not any fun. Oh we will fuss and fume, but he will be right and the smart kids will know he is right and they will just walk on by. The dinosaurs will sit in a fucking circle trying find their withered up little dicks and cry that nobody has joined them in the last few years and their clubs are dying just as fast as they are. BUT it will be because those nasty boys said mean things about them.

Dave keeps asking why he should wear the damn shirt. I like that metaphor. What fucking good does it do me to be part of something that thinks the most important thing they can spent time doing is talk about “How to pick up deaf guys”. Ya know some of the hottest leather sex has pretty much universal signs. If you can’t play without talking maybe it is because you have been doing too many fucking “demos” (please be sure to pronounce the word “demos” with dripping disdain). Otherwise “get a fucking book on signing…..there can we go to the bar now” One of the tag lines was that in 25 years we have never done this presentation. Did anyone point out that it might just be because it was a brain numbingly stupid idea? Dave seems to be asking: “How will being a member allow me to teach some new kid interested in fisting to do it without getting hurt or even killed?” I have seen him mentor. It is the very embodiment of how I learned. I wasn’t “taught”. I was shown, corrected, guided and when I started to fuck up I was told to stop. I was mentored by men that cared about ME not about their “demo audience”. If I fucked up, they looked bad. I knew that and made sure not to fuck up. Why is it that we are so scared to MENTOR? What is the fucking attraction to “teaching”?

Somewhere in during my restless night, I realized that we listened to all the whiny bitchy queens telling us what we couldn’t do for so long that we got blue balls and rather than fucking our way to feeling better we just cut our balls off. What really scared me was that I realized I came late to this process, but that it was powerful enough to grab a hold of me and pull me right on in with the rest of the eunuchs. There I was listening to this crazy “instigator” and hearing this tiny little voice in my head saying “you can’t do that”, “we have to be careful”, “oh but what about the children” (okay that last one was from the Simpsons). THAT’s what was keeping me up. That skinny little pig fucker had gotten into my head and asked me the really fucked up question….”So whataya gonna do old man?”

He actually said at one point that if something doesn’t change, these old guy’s lives will be irrelevant. All their legacy will disappear and they will be forgotten. I knew he was right….it just took a while to realize he was right about ME. He will leave behind copies of his magazine covered in splooge, I will leave behind meeting agendas and minutes covered in dust.

Sooooooo…..I guess what I realized is that I am in. Yep I am in. I want to leave behind something more than meeting minutes I want to be able to say that when I was in positions of leadership something really substantive happened. That it made a difference…that I made a difference…that WE made a difference. That we had a vision of what we could do and actually did it. WE learned from our elders and honored them and then when the got too old we set them on an ice flow and shoved off to oblivion. We were gonna eat ‘em but the bastards are too stringy

Well sweet puppy-fucking jeesus. I thought I was going to relax this weekend but now I see that I am going to be thinking. FUCK YOU MICHAEL THORN!!!! Son of a bitch, get into my head will you. You better be careful I might actually DO something. Shit!!! Now I have to pack all the floggers, single tails, and other toys and my fucking lap top.

OH by the way, you are not off the hook dear. I recognize your fingers in all of this. See you this weekend.

The Oprah-fication of Men

What ever happened to good old fashioned masculinity? Not the abusive asshole machismo that passes as masculinity but the real thing....the masculinity that was powerful but powerful with a purpose. What ever happened to EROTIC meaning more than just the most simplistic sexuality? Too many men have sold their testicles for acceptance. The heard that the only way they could be masculine was to be a Neanderthal. If you were not willing to club women over the head and drag them back to the cave, you might as well chop off you nuts and become an Alan Alda clone...sensitive and caring but totally impotent and incompetent. I think that gay men are in fact, to blame. We stopped modeling how men could love each other with power and erotic energy and trading in our balls for ball gowns. Some how gender fuck became the end goal. Rather than embracing our drag queen brothers for what they could teach us about gender stereotypes, we embraced the cartoon like image of men in drag. Look at most traditional "macho" cultures. Are they not also the nelliest bunch of "girls" you have ever met. During the second world war, the Philippine men that fought the Japanese hid in the jungle, suffered all kinds of privation, and fought. Find me a gay Phillipino that doesn't do drag. Hell....Tagalog IS the official language of the Imperial Court. There is no interest in exposing our foibles...these guys just want to wear a dress. They are not the kind of gay men, I dreamed of as a little kid. Those guys were masculine and worshiped cock. The idea of tucking their dick between their legs was not only unthinkable it would have been impossible. We have become so confused that we cannot recognize our own complaisance in the chaos. For Example....how many porn websites advertise that their models are "straight". Why is that an advantage? What fantasy did we collectively endorse that straight guys would be more fun to watch jerk off or to fuck? Have you ever tried to fuck a straight guy....>THEY SUCK AT IT<. Give me an expert when it comes to the high wire act of gay sex. I want somebody who knows what the hell they are doing and has had some practice. Straight guys squirming in unexpected discomfort are not very exciting. More later....gotta run.

Pathological Narcissism

I was asked to speak at a "town hall meeting" about toxic folks in the fetish community. The event organizers had a list of such folks....stalkers, character assassins, spinners, emotional vampires...the categories were rather creative. It seems that most of the affect was generated by people posting about others on mail lists or yahoo groups and saying negative things. Some of what was said was no doubt painful to the subjects of the negative comments.

As I was preparing my part of the presentation, the categories were divided up amongst the other presenters, and I was given a part that I thought was a clever way of describing pathological narcissists. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that all of the problems could be explained by such pathology.

A review of the mythology of Narcissus reveals that there are several different versions, two of which are of interest in this context. One in which Narcissus rejects his male lover and has him kill himself, and the more well known version of Echo and Narcissus in which Echo eventually pines away of her unrequited love until nothing is left but her voice. Both stories illustrate the danger of loving something than cannot love you back.

Pathological narcissism consumes those whose major task is to reflect the narcissist back to themselves. I mentioned that one way to tell a narcissist is to try to discuss something about yourself with them. If you tell them about your experiences or feelings it takes about three seconds for the conversation to turn to them. If you call to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with some awful disease, the conversation will quickly turn to THEIR experience or reaction.

We all have to have some healthy narcissism. In the fetish community, masters or tops or doms have to have the where with all to take the responsibility to be in charge and perform well. Bottoms, or subs have to have where with all to not be consumed in a scene but to come out on the other side more powerful. We have to have sufficient narcissism to protect ourselves both externally and intra-psychically. With out a healthy narcissism we would be overwhelmed by the criticism of others.

I a community that MUST take responsibility for itself and its role in the greater world, those who are "in it for themselves" can hurt other people. In fact, they can be quite divisive. They are so convinced that their own point of view or problem is more important that the greater good, that they are willing to damage the community at large to pursue their issues. In groups or on committees, they cannot hear the voices of others and push forward their own agenda even when their is no consensus. They are right no matter how much damage it does.

The only defense is to step away from the drama. Of course these folks usually escalate but eventually they are marginalized and move on to other groups, organizations, or communities. The drama does nothing to resolve their internal pain and emptiness but it is a distraction.

What I found amazing about this whole issue was how isolated I felt from it. I was so grateful to the men in my life, some of which attended this event, and how strange this felt for us. It was not an issue with which we were effected. At times, it seemed as if they wondered what the hell people we talking about. It was a wonderful reminder of how fortunate I really am. In fact, when it was all over, I realized that we had spent a lot of time discussing something that was for the most part rather rare.....thank gawd.

Big Dick Days

I had a friend in high school who used to think that some days his dick was bigger than others. He referred to these as "big dick days". It eventually became a metaphor for days in which everything seemed to go his way.

Hanging out with him, it was not hard to notice which days were the good ones. They were often typified by his attitude. On the BDDs he tended to act more "powerfully". He was able to solve problems, be creative, and deal with what ever might come up. We once discussed which might have come first..the attitude or the putative physiological effect.

I think there is something to be said about men who surrender they power and act like eunuchs. They are overwhelmed by small problems, they get easily frustrated, and they tend to be inadequate in every possible way. They usually try to compensate by acting like Neanderthals. They swagger, bluster, and threaten but when it comes time to act like a man, they are hung like a mouse.

I think there are a lot of influences that contribute to this type of behavior. The fact that so many boys are mentored by women is a huge issue. There are few men mentoring boys in the ways of an evolved masculinity. Too many athers have surrendered their important role in the family to be nothing more than an earner. The measure their success not in how the raised their sons but rather in how much they have achieved at work. Sadly, what ever role they have in the work world is time limited. Eventually, they stop being the boss, the doctor, the lawyer, the professor and face a vacuum...a very painful vacuum. Too many come home and expect their families to treat them like they were recruits in the family boot camp.

In the BDSM community, there have always been mentors. In the past, your passport into the community had to be validated by those mentors. Now, we have thrown open the doors and invite participation from just about anybody. Which has lead to a planned meeting to address some of the consequences of this policy. So once again we will try to "herd the cats". The problem is that we have surrendered our power to make a difficult choice and express that somebody is just plain nuts. In the old days, misbehavior in the community led to being excluded. Now, some people are so castrated that they can't even deal with the tough issues. I think it is the continued poison of assimilationism. We have to recognize that only we can accept ourselves and trying to convince everybody that we are just nice people who have a quirk is ill advised. We play on the edge and there is not room for everybody.

The most powerful people I know, are those who are willing to take a stand when it is difficult to do so. They are willing to express the minority viewpoint when others want to pretend that all si well. They do not act rudely or even unkindly when they have to take a stand that is easily seen as rude or unkind. They are willing to tell somebody that they are not welcome, not because of prejudice or bias but because they are willing to take the responsibility for their decisions and express their discomfort including those they feel are not appropriate.

Mental illness in your bowling group is one thing, having somebody with personality pathology or depression can be catastrophic in your leather club. We need the big dicked folks to take up leadership positions and act with the power and authority that entails.

Lyin' for the Lard

I have tried to NOT address some of the issues brought up by mormonism in the news but in so doing I find that I just become silent. SO....what the hell.

Most mormons have been told at some time or another that little white lies for the sake of the greater good are acceptable. Sometimes this is expressed in the idea of" milk before meat". As missionaries were trained to address some of the more controversial aspects of church doctrine by ignoring or minimizing it. When astute evangelicals would bring up the mormon doctrine that there are more that just one god, the mormon response was to obscure the mormon church's true teachings. When xians would claim that mormons are not really "christians" in the main-line sort of definition, they would respond "well of course we are...the NAME of our church is the church of jesus christ"... According to this logic, if taco bell were to call their chaulpa a lobster tail you would eat it with drawn butter.

When I was a missionary, one of my assignments was to try to scout out potential property for the church to buy and build a chapel. I was given SPECIFIC instructions that I was not to tell anyone that the property was for the mormon church because then they would "jack up the price". Not telling the truth was justified because after all I was responsible for the lord's money.

Well now old Mitt has his ass in a sling for this very behavior. Most mormons, though not all, are terribly ashamed of the church's history of racism. I can remember a very prominent "apostle" (aka..a representative of the Lard Jesus Christ hisself) state that no person with a drop of black blood would ever hold the priesthood until the second coming of christ. Seems the "black folk" were not as valiant in the war in heaven that happened before the creation of the earth and so they were marked with the mark of Cain. Now if these seems wierder than a chicken on roller skates it is just because you never spent much time among the "saints". The make the scientologists look sane but they tend to keep it under wraps. When the mormon church grew by leaps and bounds in Brazil, that old not one drop of black blood business became impossible. SOoooo a revelation and bada bing bada boom problem solved. The racist past was no longer an issue...unless you wanted to run for president.

The idea that ole Mitt went through the temple to learn secret handshakes (stolen from the Masons for the most part) to get into heaven and made a blood oath to never reveal them....well that is a topic for another time.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22363300#22363300

Watch old Mitt back peddle and know that all through out Utah the questions are a sure sign that Satan is trying to defeat a righteous man.

Remember that the mormon church STILL teaches that reparative therapy is a cure for homosexuality. Every major mental health organization has dismissed, debunked, and distanced themselves from the very idea. When BYU's clinical psychology program is audited by the APA, they talk just like the folks at Notre Dame. They are clinicians in a university sponsored by a religious organization. But let the site visitors jump in the cars and the knowing winks begin. The fact that the mo' church owns its own social service organization is usually left out of the conversation. If you get sent to LDS Social Services (the old name for it I think) you will be told that your wanting to suck dick can be cured with scripture reading, cold showers, and playing basket ball. Your father was weak your mother was overbearing and you just need to hang out with men and get your gender bearings adjusted. The idea that gay men are attracted to MEN does not enter their little brains. They think that gay me want to be women so that they can be around men to fill some emotional deficit is curable. Facts will never get in the way of dogma. My suggestion is that all the reparative therapists ought to make their daughters marry the cured gay guys....let's just see how that works.

When you put this whole ramble into context (not easy but possible) it is the idea that mormons are RIGHT!!! The believe they are led by men who talk to god. In Utah they are called Prophets. In California they are called schizophrenics. In Utah you follow them and give them 10% of your income. In California you give them injections of Haldol.

Poor Mitt. He is the worse place a mormon can be. He is being asked embarrassing questions by people who can check the facts. I SAW my dad march with MLK. yeah and Joseph Smith SAW god. Probably about with the same visual acuity.

Stephen Lynch - If I Were Gay

For Ron...who also only had one ball but is still one damn sexy guitar player.

Protecting and Maintaining Your Heterosexual House of Cards

Ah too many of my straight friends and family need to be more familiar with their wangs.