Some of my friends used to go to El Coyote. There was an email about one of the owners having donated to the Yes on 8 campaign. I responded to the email..........

I was unaware that there was a mail group for those of us who have downed a few too many margaritas at El Coyote. BUT....since I was included I figured where better to pontificate.

I have no interest in gay marriage. I think state involvement in people's lives ought to be kept to a minimum. I think we ought to get rid of marriage all together, replace it with domestic partnership for EVERYBODY and let people add what ever religious mumbo-jumbo to the process that they like. You could register your relationship at the county courthouse in the morning and have your wiccan high-priestess spilling candle wax all over the Berber carpet by lunch time. I think everybody ought to be entitled to all FEDERAL and state marriage benefits no matter what their relationship might be. Yeah if some guy wants to marry his toaster we will just deal with that on an individual basis....by putting a butterfly net over him and upping his Haldol.

AS for the current protests (and boycott of El Coyote)....well that seems to be a slightly different matter. The mormon church, based in Utah, sent letters to their congregants and suggested how they should vote and how they should spend their money. It is a violation of their 501 c 3 status. Additionally, they used the money to lie. They sponsored adds that were deceptive and homophobic. I think that there are more than 5% of the people who voted Yes on 8 who would have voted differently if we had pulled back the sheet of secrecy and revealed the involvement of the mormons in our polititcal process. I think more than 5% would say that they were duped and that they would have changed their minds. So....while I don't give two hoots about gay marriage, I DO care about the way the mormon church subverted our political process. They did it before with Prop 22 and they did it again and they will continue UNTIL we raise holy fucking hell about it.

I think the protest marches are great. I am the one who keeps reminding my fellow CSW board members that we have turned the march into a parade. We celebrate a riot that changed the landscape for human rights in the whole world and it is time we chanelled that energy again. BUT having said that....I think we are marching in the wrong place. Rather than blocking traffic on Santa Monica Blvd. I think we need to block the driveway that leads into the LA Mormon Temple. Block it on Saturdays so that all those sweet little mormon brides won't be able to get in to the temple to get married. Let them cry how we have ruined their marriage plans. Let them moan when they won't be able to learn the secret handshakes to get into heaven and have to postpone the reception being held that afternoon on the basketball court at the church. AND best of all.....let the potential husband have to wait to finally FINALLY have sex for the first time. Let the irony of the whole situation that THEY can't get married drip all over the place.

Mormons believe that men will have multiple wives in eternity, they believe that people of color were not valient as spirits, and those who were not born in the church are not as good as those who were. They believe that they are the ONLY true church on the earth and that baptisms and wedding performed by non-mormons have no validity. They believe that dead people ought to be baptized as mormons by proxy and do geneology so that they can do that for people. Recently that has included holocaust victims despite the pleas of the relatives to stop doing it. They believe that they are lead my an old man who talks face-to-face with god usually in the temple in Salt Lake City. They believe that there is no such think as gay or lesbian just people who struggle with same sex attraction. AND these are the people who determined the outcome of Proposition 8. And we let them.

We gave control to the assimilationist "leaders" of our community. We let Equality California take charge and try to act all nice and proper because they think if we just behave ourselves we will be accepted. They want people to believe that we are just like straight people except we suck each other's dicks and fuck each other in the ass. And they are not TOO comfortable with that. If we get married at least then maybe we will only do those awful sex things with one person. Remember the Mattachine society tried to do that and failed. It was a bunch of ugly drag queens who fought back and the world took notice. There are currently people trying to make sure that our protests are neat and orderly. They want us to listen as political hacks and hollywood flunkys tell us what we should think and how we should feel, They want the choas of change to be comfortable and risk free. And they will be swept up in the change and forgotten to history as just like those stupid Mattachine members.

There are members of our community who are already planning their future politcal careers. They want to be the "go-to" guys that the LAPD or City Hall can go to as liasons to the Gay community. They have chosen whose side they are on and want to deceive us that it is our side. It is not. They are standing on the sidelines trying to control the flood of progress by asking if we can't just be a little nicer. This is not going to be pretty. Hopefully, it is going to be effective.

Ya know, I am not a nervous flyer. I actually enjoy flying. But the night before an early morning flight I don’t usually sleep all that well. So rather than annoy Logan, I thought I would spend a few minutes and send an email. In other words…..I’ll annoy you guys.

As we get ready for LA PRIDE, the next in a long line of “events” ever since LAL, I just wanted to thank the folks who do so much for our community. Tonight, I met with part of the team that is working on Erotic City. I sat in that room and realized just how fortunate we are as a community and how lucky I am. Here we are less than 15 days away and fresh and creative ideas are still flowing. People are thinking of new things and how do to old things better. They are giving of their time, their resources, and themselves. It will be another gathering of our tribe.

A year ago, some of us had the remarkable experience of sitting in the Chicago Theatre when Mike Gerle was selected as International Mr. Leather. What an exceptional year, and what an exceptional leader. Mike came to an LALC meeting right after IML and passed his medallion around the room so that each of the folks in the meeting could “sorta” put their energy into it. It seems that each of us may have been just as touched by his energy as well. Now some of us are headed off to Chicago so that Mike can step down and I can hardly imagine what that will be like. Oh, not the speech…the change. We have celebrated his year at several events, but suddenly it hit me how much has happened and how fast.

We are also going to IML because Ross is going to stand on that same stage this weekend. A bunch of us were having dinner at Long Beach Pride and Ross happened to walk by. I sat there realizing that we are sending a pretty remarkable Mr. LA Leather to IML AGAIN! He has already demonstrated his leadership and his warm and caring spirit. Ross shared that he has had some pretty incredible things happen already. I thought of all the folks who helped make it possible and wondered if they knew that they had had a part in that process. I wanted to make sure that the members of the coalition were aware of what their efforts had produced.

As I was thinking of the Mike and Ross, I started to think of all the other people who have been in their spots, and then all the people involved in those events, and it sorta became overwhelming. There were an awful lot of people both “out in front” and behind the scenes who were involved in all that we do. Sure some came and left, but an awful lot of them stayed and are “connected” no matter what role they are in.

See maybe that is what is keeping me up….instead of my fear that I will oversleep and miss my flight. See, when I left that Erotic City meeting, I wondered if people knew all the things that go on behind the scenes. Not the hard work, I think people recognize that. I was wondering if all the folks doing the hard work recognized all the good their hard work was doing. See, I realized it is all about the working together. Sometimes it seems like the event itself matters. But the real secret is that it is about working together to make something happen between us. In that process, we grow, we learn, we solve problems, and we CONNECT. We start to work together and we become friends, hell, we become family. When I thought about all the “events” I kept seeing faces in my mind. The faces of the people I love and respect that make these things happen.

This weekend a lot of people are going to work hard to produce IML. Mike will step down as IML and Ross will step across the stage as the first Mr. LA Leather to follow in his footsteps. But the people who come from all over to make that happen will have connected. They will form their family and it will overlap with ours. And maybe part of what is keeping me up tonight, is knowing that both families will be missing someone who we came to think of as part of us. Steve Johnson won’t be at registration for LAL next year and he won’t be in Chicago this weekend and I for one am going to miss him. A lot of people are. His passing has reminded us of the fragile nature of our connections. His passing reminded me of how lucky I am to know some pretty remarkable people that I got to meet when we as a community put on “an event”. Knowing he would not be there this weekend, I was reminded to say thank you to all of you, not just for what you do, but for who you are, and not just for who you are in our community, but for who you are to me. Thank you.

We will never produce a perfect event. BUT in the process of trying we will build our tribe and our family and we will connect. Let me express my appreciation to those of you who are always there. I appreciate the connection that we have built working together. There will also be some new folks who offer to pitch in and help. Not just because it is fun but because they want to be a part of our tribe. Welcome them. If we have learned anything about the folks who show up, it is that they are full of surprises.

Where were YOU last night???

Got a call from Michael Thorn the other day asking if I could talk to him about an article he was writing. I figured I could swing by after work about 6 and be at the Avatar meeting around 8. Well I got home around 12:30, never made it to the meeting, and my goddamn ass is still sore from sitting in the same fucking chair for 6 hours.

Here are a few things I realized:

1) Talking to Michael is like talking to Robinson Carusoe must have been after he got rescued from the damn island. He has been isolated in front of his computer for so long that when he has a live person there he talks. A LOT. But….

2) He is a GREAT story teller. He not only had a lot of experiences, he was paying attention when he had them. Every now and then he will say: “let me see if I can tell this right”. He usually does

3) He is deeply passionate about our community.

4) He has a magazine and he is not afraid to use it.

And lastly……

5) I couldn’t sleep when I got home because the conversation fucked with my brain.

You and I have talked about the deleterious impact the dinosaurs are having on things that we care about. I think I realized after last night that it is far worse than anything I ever imagined. At one point, we looked on-line at a picture of the Satyrs. I have been to Badger Flats. I was young and those guys kinda scared me. They ALL had 12 inch dicks, and big hairy balls that hung to their knees. They used to be hot, horny fuckers who were famous for being hot, horny fuckers. The picture of the club on their web-site was haunting. The guys in the front row had canes and walkers. Their website was never going to attract anyone let alone somebody who might actually be looking to find out about them ‘cuz they were fun. When Thorn showed it to me, I didn’t realize the impact it would have. BUT ALL NIGHT LONG, I kept thinking about that damn picture. It woke me up over and over. At first, I thought it was just because every organization I to which I belong has dorky website. NONE of them are really hot. NONE!!! I have seen hot websites and these ain’t them. BUT FINALLY I realized it was because I was a lot closer to BEING those old geezers that I wanted to admit. I realized I was already starting to act like them. I realized that some of these old guys are planning to take their clubs with them when they die and and trying to take me along. And…..like a dolt, I am gladly getting on-board the sinking ship because they are going to call me the captain and let me ring the ship’s bell as we slip beneath the water.

It became clear to me that there are guys out there who are looking for the stuff we have. They want to know how to fist, and flog, and fuck. They are young and they are looking. Because we have abdicated our responsibility to mentor, they are being drawn in by the guys we have already rejected as being dangerous or fucked up. If I was one of them I would be pissed. When did we let the guys from the “island of misfit toys” (Thorn’s term and I like it) take over? The problem, is that he has a fucking magazine and he is willing to point out just how fucked up some of this shit really is. What will happen when he warns that “next generation” that the old clubs are unsafe, or not honest, or just not any fun. Oh we will fuss and fume, but he will be right and the smart kids will know he is right and they will just walk on by. The dinosaurs will sit in a fucking circle trying find their withered up little dicks and cry that nobody has joined them in the last few years and their clubs are dying just as fast as they are. BUT it will be because those nasty boys said mean things about them.

Dave keeps asking why he should wear the damn shirt. I like that metaphor. What fucking good does it do me to be part of something that thinks the most important thing they can spent time doing is talk about “How to pick up deaf guys”. Ya know some of the hottest leather sex has pretty much universal signs. If you can’t play without talking maybe it is because you have been doing too many fucking “demos” (please be sure to pronounce the word “demos” with dripping disdain). Otherwise “get a fucking book on signing…..there can we go to the bar now” One of the tag lines was that in 25 years we have never done this presentation. Did anyone point out that it might just be because it was a brain numbingly stupid idea? Dave seems to be asking: “How will being a member allow me to teach some new kid interested in fisting to do it without getting hurt or even killed?” I have seen him mentor. It is the very embodiment of how I learned. I wasn’t “taught”. I was shown, corrected, guided and when I started to fuck up I was told to stop. I was mentored by men that cared about ME not about their “demo audience”. If I fucked up, they looked bad. I knew that and made sure not to fuck up. Why is it that we are so scared to MENTOR? What is the fucking attraction to “teaching”?

Somewhere in during my restless night, I realized that we listened to all the whiny bitchy queens telling us what we couldn’t do for so long that we got blue balls and rather than fucking our way to feeling better we just cut our balls off. What really scared me was that I realized I came late to this process, but that it was powerful enough to grab a hold of me and pull me right on in with the rest of the eunuchs. There I was listening to this crazy “instigator” and hearing this tiny little voice in my head saying “you can’t do that”, “we have to be careful”, “oh but what about the children” (okay that last one was from the Simpsons). THAT’s what was keeping me up. That skinny little pig fucker had gotten into my head and asked me the really fucked up question….”So whataya gonna do old man?”

He actually said at one point that if something doesn’t change, these old guy’s lives will be irrelevant. All their legacy will disappear and they will be forgotten. I knew he was right….it just took a while to realize he was right about ME. He will leave behind copies of his magazine covered in splooge, I will leave behind meeting agendas and minutes covered in dust.

Sooooooo…..I guess what I realized is that I am in. Yep I am in. I want to leave behind something more than meeting minutes I want to be able to say that when I was in positions of leadership something really substantive happened. That it made a difference…that I made a difference…that WE made a difference. That we had a vision of what we could do and actually did it. WE learned from our elders and honored them and then when the got too old we set them on an ice flow and shoved off to oblivion. We were gonna eat ‘em but the bastards are too stringy

Well sweet puppy-fucking jeesus. I thought I was going to relax this weekend but now I see that I am going to be thinking. FUCK YOU MICHAEL THORN!!!! Son of a bitch, get into my head will you. You better be careful I might actually DO something. Shit!!! Now I have to pack all the floggers, single tails, and other toys and my fucking lap top.

OH by the way, you are not off the hook dear. I recognize your fingers in all of this. See you this weekend.

The Oprah-fication of Men

What ever happened to good old fashioned masculinity? Not the abusive asshole machismo that passes as masculinity but the real thing....the masculinity that was powerful but powerful with a purpose. What ever happened to EROTIC meaning more than just the most simplistic sexuality? Too many men have sold their testicles for acceptance. The heard that the only way they could be masculine was to be a Neanderthal. If you were not willing to club women over the head and drag them back to the cave, you might as well chop off you nuts and become an Alan Alda clone...sensitive and caring but totally impotent and incompetent. I think that gay men are in fact, to blame. We stopped modeling how men could love each other with power and erotic energy and trading in our balls for ball gowns. Some how gender fuck became the end goal. Rather than embracing our drag queen brothers for what they could teach us about gender stereotypes, we embraced the cartoon like image of men in drag. Look at most traditional "macho" cultures. Are they not also the nelliest bunch of "girls" you have ever met. During the second world war, the Philippine men that fought the Japanese hid in the jungle, suffered all kinds of privation, and fought. Find me a gay Phillipino that doesn't do drag. Hell....Tagalog IS the official language of the Imperial Court. There is no interest in exposing our foibles...these guys just want to wear a dress. They are not the kind of gay men, I dreamed of as a little kid. Those guys were masculine and worshiped cock. The idea of tucking their dick between their legs was not only unthinkable it would have been impossible. We have become so confused that we cannot recognize our own complaisance in the chaos. For Example....how many porn websites advertise that their models are "straight". Why is that an advantage? What fantasy did we collectively endorse that straight guys would be more fun to watch jerk off or to fuck? Have you ever tried to fuck a straight guy....>THEY SUCK AT IT<. Give me an expert when it comes to the high wire act of gay sex. I want somebody who knows what the hell they are doing and has had some practice. Straight guys squirming in unexpected discomfort are not very exciting. More later....gotta run.

Pathological Narcissism

I was asked to speak at a "town hall meeting" about toxic folks in the fetish community. The event organizers had a list of such folks....stalkers, character assassins, spinners, emotional vampires...the categories were rather creative. It seems that most of the affect was generated by people posting about others on mail lists or yahoo groups and saying negative things. Some of what was said was no doubt painful to the subjects of the negative comments.

As I was preparing my part of the presentation, the categories were divided up amongst the other presenters, and I was given a part that I thought was a clever way of describing pathological narcissists. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that all of the problems could be explained by such pathology.

A review of the mythology of Narcissus reveals that there are several different versions, two of which are of interest in this context. One in which Narcissus rejects his male lover and has him kill himself, and the more well known version of Echo and Narcissus in which Echo eventually pines away of her unrequited love until nothing is left but her voice. Both stories illustrate the danger of loving something than cannot love you back.

Pathological narcissism consumes those whose major task is to reflect the narcissist back to themselves. I mentioned that one way to tell a narcissist is to try to discuss something about yourself with them. If you tell them about your experiences or feelings it takes about three seconds for the conversation to turn to them. If you call to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with some awful disease, the conversation will quickly turn to THEIR experience or reaction.

We all have to have some healthy narcissism. In the fetish community, masters or tops or doms have to have the where with all to take the responsibility to be in charge and perform well. Bottoms, or subs have to have where with all to not be consumed in a scene but to come out on the other side more powerful. We have to have sufficient narcissism to protect ourselves both externally and intra-psychically. With out a healthy narcissism we would be overwhelmed by the criticism of others.

I a community that MUST take responsibility for itself and its role in the greater world, those who are "in it for themselves" can hurt other people. In fact, they can be quite divisive. They are so convinced that their own point of view or problem is more important that the greater good, that they are willing to damage the community at large to pursue their issues. In groups or on committees, they cannot hear the voices of others and push forward their own agenda even when their is no consensus. They are right no matter how much damage it does.

The only defense is to step away from the drama. Of course these folks usually escalate but eventually they are marginalized and move on to other groups, organizations, or communities. The drama does nothing to resolve their internal pain and emptiness but it is a distraction.

What I found amazing about this whole issue was how isolated I felt from it. I was so grateful to the men in my life, some of which attended this event, and how strange this felt for us. It was not an issue with which we were effected. At times, it seemed as if they wondered what the hell people we talking about. It was a wonderful reminder of how fortunate I really am. In fact, when it was all over, I realized that we had spent a lot of time discussing something that was for the most part rather rare.....thank gawd.

Big Dick Days

I had a friend in high school who used to think that some days his dick was bigger than others. He referred to these as "big dick days". It eventually became a metaphor for days in which everything seemed to go his way.

Hanging out with him, it was not hard to notice which days were the good ones. They were often typified by his attitude. On the BDDs he tended to act more "powerfully". He was able to solve problems, be creative, and deal with what ever might come up. We once discussed which might have come first..the attitude or the putative physiological effect.

I think there is something to be said about men who surrender they power and act like eunuchs. They are overwhelmed by small problems, they get easily frustrated, and they tend to be inadequate in every possible way. They usually try to compensate by acting like Neanderthals. They swagger, bluster, and threaten but when it comes time to act like a man, they are hung like a mouse.

I think there are a lot of influences that contribute to this type of behavior. The fact that so many boys are mentored by women is a huge issue. There are few men mentoring boys in the ways of an evolved masculinity. Too many athers have surrendered their important role in the family to be nothing more than an earner. The measure their success not in how the raised their sons but rather in how much they have achieved at work. Sadly, what ever role they have in the work world is time limited. Eventually, they stop being the boss, the doctor, the lawyer, the professor and face a vacuum...a very painful vacuum. Too many come home and expect their families to treat them like they were recruits in the family boot camp.

In the BDSM community, there have always been mentors. In the past, your passport into the community had to be validated by those mentors. Now, we have thrown open the doors and invite participation from just about anybody. Which has lead to a planned meeting to address some of the consequences of this policy. So once again we will try to "herd the cats". The problem is that we have surrendered our power to make a difficult choice and express that somebody is just plain nuts. In the old days, misbehavior in the community led to being excluded. Now, some people are so castrated that they can't even deal with the tough issues. I think it is the continued poison of assimilationism. We have to recognize that only we can accept ourselves and trying to convince everybody that we are just nice people who have a quirk is ill advised. We play on the edge and there is not room for everybody.

The most powerful people I know, are those who are willing to take a stand when it is difficult to do so. They are willing to express the minority viewpoint when others want to pretend that all si well. They do not act rudely or even unkindly when they have to take a stand that is easily seen as rude or unkind. They are willing to tell somebody that they are not welcome, not because of prejudice or bias but because they are willing to take the responsibility for their decisions and express their discomfort including those they feel are not appropriate.

Mental illness in your bowling group is one thing, having somebody with personality pathology or depression can be catastrophic in your leather club. We need the big dicked folks to take up leadership positions and act with the power and authority that entails.