Pathological Narcissism

I was asked to speak at a "town hall meeting" about toxic folks in the fetish community. The event organizers had a list of such folks....stalkers, character assassins, spinners, emotional vampires...the categories were rather creative. It seems that most of the affect was generated by people posting about others on mail lists or yahoo groups and saying negative things. Some of what was said was no doubt painful to the subjects of the negative comments.

As I was preparing my part of the presentation, the categories were divided up amongst the other presenters, and I was given a part that I thought was a clever way of describing pathological narcissists. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that all of the problems could be explained by such pathology.

A review of the mythology of Narcissus reveals that there are several different versions, two of which are of interest in this context. One in which Narcissus rejects his male lover and has him kill himself, and the more well known version of Echo and Narcissus in which Echo eventually pines away of her unrequited love until nothing is left but her voice. Both stories illustrate the danger of loving something than cannot love you back.

Pathological narcissism consumes those whose major task is to reflect the narcissist back to themselves. I mentioned that one way to tell a narcissist is to try to discuss something about yourself with them. If you tell them about your experiences or feelings it takes about three seconds for the conversation to turn to them. If you call to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with some awful disease, the conversation will quickly turn to THEIR experience or reaction.

We all have to have some healthy narcissism. In the fetish community, masters or tops or doms have to have the where with all to take the responsibility to be in charge and perform well. Bottoms, or subs have to have where with all to not be consumed in a scene but to come out on the other side more powerful. We have to have sufficient narcissism to protect ourselves both externally and intra-psychically. With out a healthy narcissism we would be overwhelmed by the criticism of others.

I a community that MUST take responsibility for itself and its role in the greater world, those who are "in it for themselves" can hurt other people. In fact, they can be quite divisive. They are so convinced that their own point of view or problem is more important that the greater good, that they are willing to damage the community at large to pursue their issues. In groups or on committees, they cannot hear the voices of others and push forward their own agenda even when their is no consensus. They are right no matter how much damage it does.

The only defense is to step away from the drama. Of course these folks usually escalate but eventually they are marginalized and move on to other groups, organizations, or communities. The drama does nothing to resolve their internal pain and emptiness but it is a distraction.

What I found amazing about this whole issue was how isolated I felt from it. I was so grateful to the men in my life, some of which attended this event, and how strange this felt for us. It was not an issue with which we were effected. At times, it seemed as if they wondered what the hell people we talking about. It was a wonderful reminder of how fortunate I really am. In fact, when it was all over, I realized that we had spent a lot of time discussing something that was for the most part rather rare.....thank gawd.