Pathological Narcissism

I was asked to speak at a "town hall meeting" about toxic folks in the fetish community. The event organizers had a list of such folks....stalkers, character assassins, spinners, emotional vampires...the categories were rather creative. It seems that most of the affect was generated by people posting about others on mail lists or yahoo groups and saying negative things. Some of what was said was no doubt painful to the subjects of the negative comments.

As I was preparing my part of the presentation, the categories were divided up amongst the other presenters, and I was given a part that I thought was a clever way of describing pathological narcissists. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that all of the problems could be explained by such pathology.

A review of the mythology of Narcissus reveals that there are several different versions, two of which are of interest in this context. One in which Narcissus rejects his male lover and has him kill himself, and the more well known version of Echo and Narcissus in which Echo eventually pines away of her unrequited love until nothing is left but her voice. Both stories illustrate the danger of loving something than cannot love you back.

Pathological narcissism consumes those whose major task is to reflect the narcissist back to themselves. I mentioned that one way to tell a narcissist is to try to discuss something about yourself with them. If you tell them about your experiences or feelings it takes about three seconds for the conversation to turn to them. If you call to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with some awful disease, the conversation will quickly turn to THEIR experience or reaction.

We all have to have some healthy narcissism. In the fetish community, masters or tops or doms have to have the where with all to take the responsibility to be in charge and perform well. Bottoms, or subs have to have where with all to not be consumed in a scene but to come out on the other side more powerful. We have to have sufficient narcissism to protect ourselves both externally and intra-psychically. With out a healthy narcissism we would be overwhelmed by the criticism of others.

I a community that MUST take responsibility for itself and its role in the greater world, those who are "in it for themselves" can hurt other people. In fact, they can be quite divisive. They are so convinced that their own point of view or problem is more important that the greater good, that they are willing to damage the community at large to pursue their issues. In groups or on committees, they cannot hear the voices of others and push forward their own agenda even when their is no consensus. They are right no matter how much damage it does.

The only defense is to step away from the drama. Of course these folks usually escalate but eventually they are marginalized and move on to other groups, organizations, or communities. The drama does nothing to resolve their internal pain and emptiness but it is a distraction.

What I found amazing about this whole issue was how isolated I felt from it. I was so grateful to the men in my life, some of which attended this event, and how strange this felt for us. It was not an issue with which we were effected. At times, it seemed as if they wondered what the hell people we talking about. It was a wonderful reminder of how fortunate I really am. In fact, when it was all over, I realized that we had spent a lot of time discussing something that was for the most part rather rare.....thank gawd.

Big Dick Days

I had a friend in high school who used to think that some days his dick was bigger than others. He referred to these as "big dick days". It eventually became a metaphor for days in which everything seemed to go his way.

Hanging out with him, it was not hard to notice which days were the good ones. They were often typified by his attitude. On the BDDs he tended to act more "powerfully". He was able to solve problems, be creative, and deal with what ever might come up. We once discussed which might have come first..the attitude or the putative physiological effect.

I think there is something to be said about men who surrender they power and act like eunuchs. They are overwhelmed by small problems, they get easily frustrated, and they tend to be inadequate in every possible way. They usually try to compensate by acting like Neanderthals. They swagger, bluster, and threaten but when it comes time to act like a man, they are hung like a mouse.

I think there are a lot of influences that contribute to this type of behavior. The fact that so many boys are mentored by women is a huge issue. There are few men mentoring boys in the ways of an evolved masculinity. Too many athers have surrendered their important role in the family to be nothing more than an earner. The measure their success not in how the raised their sons but rather in how much they have achieved at work. Sadly, what ever role they have in the work world is time limited. Eventually, they stop being the boss, the doctor, the lawyer, the professor and face a vacuum...a very painful vacuum. Too many come home and expect their families to treat them like they were recruits in the family boot camp.

In the BDSM community, there have always been mentors. In the past, your passport into the community had to be validated by those mentors. Now, we have thrown open the doors and invite participation from just about anybody. Which has lead to a planned meeting to address some of the consequences of this policy. So once again we will try to "herd the cats". The problem is that we have surrendered our power to make a difficult choice and express that somebody is just plain nuts. In the old days, misbehavior in the community led to being excluded. Now, some people are so castrated that they can't even deal with the tough issues. I think it is the continued poison of assimilationism. We have to recognize that only we can accept ourselves and trying to convince everybody that we are just nice people who have a quirk is ill advised. We play on the edge and there is not room for everybody.

The most powerful people I know, are those who are willing to take a stand when it is difficult to do so. They are willing to express the minority viewpoint when others want to pretend that all si well. They do not act rudely or even unkindly when they have to take a stand that is easily seen as rude or unkind. They are willing to tell somebody that they are not welcome, not because of prejudice or bias but because they are willing to take the responsibility for their decisions and express their discomfort including those they feel are not appropriate.

Mental illness in your bowling group is one thing, having somebody with personality pathology or depression can be catastrophic in your leather club. We need the big dicked folks to take up leadership positions and act with the power and authority that entails.